Love/Hate: Halo Infinite

Welcome back to the Halo love/hate series! In this entry we’ll be going over the most recent game in the franchise Halo Infinite. After all the shit 343 Industries had put the fanbase through, expectations were really low for this game, and then got even worse when people saw the reveal trailer, which necessitated a delay to polish the game up for launch. Since then, I’m aware that the game has been through some major highs and lows, so I wasn’t really expecting a whole lot going in. Could 343 finally right the ship and deliver a worthy follow-up to Bungie’s trilogy? Read on to find out…

Love

  • The Gunplay – As far as I’m concerned, Halo Infinite has the best gunplay of the franchise since Halo 3. Shooting enemies just feels so good. This is largely because your shots feel like they have real impact when they land and there’s some really satisfying feedback that goes along with it. This is best exemplified with the big power weapons, which impact with a massive explosion of fire and colour and a satisfyingly loud bang. Even smaller, standard weapons like the Mauler pack a punch and are really satisfying to blast away your foes with. It feels like they took a cue from Doom (2016) and put a ton of effort into making sure that combat makes you feel like a total badass.
  • Enemies Have Personality Again! – The Covenant in the first couple Halo games had so much personality, making them into some of the most fun video game enemies to fight. Grunts screaming and running when you started killing their comrades, contrasted with the tactical, honourable combat of the Elites made the game feel like it wasn’t just a simple shooting gallery. This was eroded away over the course of the series, with them eventually just feeling like regular video game bad guys that you need to shoot to win the game. In Halo Infinite though, the Covenant soldiers have so much personality again. This is largely due to them being extremely chatty – you’ll hear Grunts acting arrogant, only to immediately start squealing and freaking out when they see you, Jackals obsessing over collecting your bounty, Brutes yelling taunts, and Elites steeling themselves for battle, etc. All this chatter almost makes me feel sorry as I mow them down by the dozen.
    • Also, on a somewhat related note, the enemy variety in this game is fantastic. There have been different tiers of each Covenant troop in all previous games, but they’ve been expanded here and are more notably differentiated in my opinion. For example, let’s look at just the Brutes: we’ve got the standard Brutes, multiple variants in heavy armour, guys with jet packs and heavy weapons, chieftains with various weapon configurations, and even melee-only berserkers who rush head-long at you. Oh, and any one of these can have shields and various weapon combinations, making the variety of combat scenarios even among one enemy type truly vast. Good God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually really enjoy fighting Brutes in this game!
    • On another related note, I love the UNSC banter in this game. They spout all sorts of cheesy one-liners which perfectly capture the feel of early 2000s video game writing.
  • New Weapons – As usual, Halo Infinite introduces a bunch of new and remixed weapons and, due to this game’s emphasis on fun gameplay, there are some truly awesome additions. My personal favourites are the Skewer (which fires a massive, impaling spear which one-shots most enemies), the Hydra (which is kind of like a Halo version of the 40k boltgun, with an alt-fire mode that homes in on enemies!), and the Heatwave (a shotgun that allows you to set its spread to go horizontal or vertical, making it much more accurate at longer ranges). Making things even better, most guns have special upgraded versions which you can get, which make them even more devastating to use. Legitimately, the only weapon I don’t like is the Disruptor Pistol, but everything else I will gleefully pickup and mow down the enemy with.
  • Grappling Hook – Ever since Halo 3 introduced equipment pickups, these games have really struggled to introduce an equipment ability which really sticks with you. The Grappling Hook is easily the best addition to the core formula, bar none. I (perhaps notoriously) hate open world games with dull traversal, but the grappling hook makes swinging about this world quicker and more entertaining, while also opening up space for creative mobility during combat. Making things better, the grappling hook has offensive abilities too, allowing to you grab distant weapons and items, and you can also hook an enemy to swing in for a melee strike. It can also be upgraded to stun enemies, which can be really helpful when you’re getting beat down by a particular guy with a power weapon and need to close the distance to them quickly.
  • The Story – Halo Infinite‘s narrative is definitely an improvement on the previous two 343 Industries games. While Halo 4 was bogged down by lore and Halo 5 was vapid and rushed, Infinite takes a more cinematic, character-driven approach that makes it feel more akin to Metal Gear Solid 5 than its two predecessors. The overall story here is basically a throwback: you’re on a Halo ring and the Covenant Banished are trying to activate it, so you have to stop them. The villains also have a fairly large role in the narrative and often show up to taunt you directly. So, while they are fairly generic and melodramatic, at least they leave more of an impression than, say, the Didact or Eternal Warden did. It takes a while to get there, but this story does end up being fairly entertaining by the end.

Mixed

  • Scan Pulse – Halo Infinite introduces a “scan” button, which will send out a pulse which briefly points highlights all weapons, enemies, and interactable objects in the vicinity, and will display where your objectives are. It’s definitely handy, but it also just feels like a crutch: I constantly want to press this button to make sure that I’m not missing anything. The only reason I don’t do it is because that’s really fucking annoying to keep up, so I just resign myself to missing things. That said, there are times where you actually do need it, because you can’t find some random panel where you need to press a button to advance the mission, and it won’t make that clear to you. Maybe it’s just like this because modern games have gotten so big and detailed that it’s way too easy to miss anything important, but it feels like an inelegant solution to the problem.
  • The Characters – A character-driven story needs its characters, and while they are a bit of a mixed bag, what we get here is an improvement on the last couple games overall. First of all, Master Chief is back to being the effortless badass he was in Halo 2, and those Doom (2016) influences have helped make his dry humour even more awesome. Where things get a bit more mixed is in the supporting cast:
    • The Pilot is a coward trying to flee, but gets caught up with Master Chief and becomes exasperated as he gets dragged into danger again and again. He can be somewhat annoying as a result, but he does grow on you as the game goes, and at least I can understand and sympathize with him.
    • The Weapon, on the other hand… I’m really mixed on her. She’s our new AI companion, who is an incomplete copy of Cortana that was supposed to find Cortana, destroy her, and then delete herself. However, upon Cortana’s deletion, the Weapon finds herself still operational, much to her confusion. Her personality is noticeably different compared to Cortana; the Weapon is much more childlike and inquisitive. While she is fairly well fleshed out as a character and I’m glad they’ve gone to the effort to differentiate her from Cortana, she just ends up being kind of annoying to me. Some of this is down to her dialogue, which can be fairly cringey. She’s also our objective-giver, so after every single objective you complete, she’ll say something along the lines of “oh hey we need to go find ____ to advance the story, lets go do it!” This bothers me, because I can just feel the developers prodding me every time she says something like this (which is a lot). Like… it’s an open world, I’ve got camps to capture and soldiers to rescue, I can see my objective markers, just let me do what I want to.
  • Open World Structure – I am fairly burnt out on open world games, so I was pretty concerned about how Halo Infinite would fare as a result. Luckily, it works out fairly well I’d say, although there are some pretty big caveats to that. One of the most revolutionary aspects of the early Halo games were their massive, open sandboxes, so going fully open-world just feels like an evolution of that concept. I think it’s best summed up this way: playing Halo Infinite is like playing Combat Evolved the way you imagined it in 2001. That said…
    • Big caveat #1: Halo Infinite is basically a carbon copy of the Far Cry open world structure which has become very tired in the past decade. For most of this game’s runtime, you’re just capturing bandit camps and dealing with a bunch of filler side quests which provide very little incentive to complete them, other than checking off some boxes on your mini-map and allowing you to spawn more powerful weapons and vehicles at captured bandit camps. Surprisingly, this didn’t wear thin for me (perhaps because the game has a fairly reasonable playtime), but if you’ve been playing more open world games than I have, then this may be a bigger issue for you.
    • Big caveat #2: Halo Infinite has the worst level design of the entire franchise, bar none. Since 343 Industries cannot curate encounters or force you to complete missions in a certain order, objectives are absolutely swarming with enemies, and your missions are extremely generic: press X buttons to expose power cores that you need to blow up, kill all bad guys in the area, blow up X objectives, etc. This would be unacceptable in any previous Halo game, but for some reason, being open world makes this less of an issue for me, even though in the back of my mind I know I prefer a more curated, creative, and diversified approach. The gunplay in this game is just so good that it props up issues like this which would have sunk a weaker game. I think this is why, as much fun as I was having playing the game, I just didn’t find myself wanting to play it as much as some of the other games in the franchise, and my play sessions end up being shorter and more spread out than for, say, Halo 2 and 3.

Hate

  • Skipping Over the End of Halo 5 is Cowardly – As much as I enjoy this game’s throw-back to classic Halo and its fantastic gunplay, I just cannot get over the fact that it skips over the end of Halo 5 and basically soft-reboots the entire franchise to not have to bother dealing with the consequences of it. For all my problems with Halo 5, the ending was downright bold. Only a handful of humans managed to escape Cortana before she fires EMP bombs at all worlds resisting the AI takeover, blasting them into the stone age. This hinted at a future game that’s scrappier and lower-tech, where we have to scavenge for better weapons and armour, akin to The Terminator. Plus, Halo 5 barely even started to deal with Cortana as our new main villain, so having her die off-screen before Halo Infinite begins is borderline insane and makes this entire extended universe of continuity feel like a joke. Instead, it’s back to the ol’ status quo: Chief fighting the Covenant on a Halo ring. Is that all this franchise will ever be? Because that’s a depressing future if it is…
    • Granted, Infinite does touch on this storyline in its final hours, but it’s done in such a way where it feels like we skipped over an entire game’s worth of plot and consequences… like, imagine if Star Wars went from Attack of the Clones to A New Hope. It would feel kind of weird and disjointed, right? That’s kind of what playing Infinite is like.
  • Load Times – Halo Infinite has some of the longest load times that I’ve seen in a game since the PS3 era. The first time I loaded up the game, it legitimately took at least a minute just to get to the main menu. Thankfully, it loads quicker from there on, but if you’re like me and are playing this game for the campaign, there’s an extra “fuck you” in store: the game always loads into the multiplayer menu, so you have to then select “Campaign” and then go through another lengthy loading screen to play that. Thankfully, once you get in-game, there are basically no more loading screens, but it’s still enough friction up-front that I sometimes didn’t even want to bother starting the game up.
  • The Other Equipment Choices Suck – If there’s one big issue with the grappling hook, it’s that it’s arguably too good… which is actually kind of a problem, because you have other equipment you can use. However, they are so inferior in comparison that they aren’t worth using at all. Like, the first equipment you can switch to is the Threat Sensor, which… highlights nearby enemies. Big fucking whoop. The only time you might want to use this is when an Elite pulls out an energy sword and uses its active camouflage. However, I would literally rather blindly fight an invisible enemy that can one-shot me than go through the convoluted sequence of button presses to switch from the grappling hook to the threat sensor… so that’s exactly what I did. I legitimately never used any piece of equipment other than the grappling hook the entire game, and never felt like I missed out for this.
  • Rough Around the Edges – Halo Infinite is a game that ended up needing to be delayed for a full year in order to get it into a shippable state… and thank God they did, because the game we got is still pretty rough at times, so I can only imagine what it would have been like if it released in 2020! I’m talking some pretty stiff animations, questionable optimization (substantial frame drops are not an uncommon occurrence), random bugs, weird ragdolling (especially when you die), guns turning into unintelligible blobs that stretch infinitely across the game world, etc. Oh, and there’s one mission where you will be told that you need to visit four beacons, which will be marked on your map and everything. However, these beacons do not allow you to progress until after you’re told about the mission, at which point you are expected to walk forward a little bit to actually trigger it. On two separate occasions, I fast travelled away before the mission triggered without even realizing it, and was then left completely confused about why I couldn’t do anything at these beacons. This could be a minor annoyance, but the area you need to go to to trigger the mission is far away from any fast travel point you will have unlocked up to this point, which turns it into a giant, confusing headache which is far too easy to find yourself mired in.
  • Overpowered Weapon/Vehicle Spawns – As you complete objectives in Halo Infinite, you will get “Valor” points which allow you to spawn a chosen weapon or vehicle if your Valor is above a specific threshold. Initially this will allow you to call for an assault rifle or a mongoose ATV, but you quickly start getting the ability to call in upgraded versions of the game’s strongest weapons, or even goddamn Scorpion tanks! It’s cool that they give you the choice, I guess…? But, at a certain point, you have to actively choose not to trivialize the game if you want to have fun. It also robs that feeling of excitement in the tank sections in previous games, as it was no longer this surprise awaiting you, and I just kept finding myself starting every mission with the exact same overpowered guns.
  • Worst Vehicle Physics in the Franchise – You can spawn in any vehicle you want at forward operating bases (FOBs) that you capture. This sounds great, especially since it can take a few minutes to get where you’re going in this open world… however, I usually just hoof it on foot, because the vehicle physics in this game suck, particularly for the warthog and mongoose. Like, they control about as well as ever, but they crash, flip over, and get stuck on the terrain constantly, which I can only assume is due to the open world structure and a lack of polish.

Halo Infinite really surprised me. I had heard that its campaign was decent, but I’m so sick of open world games that I was not expecting much at all. Its gunplay was so immediately fun though that it sucked me in. It may look like there’s a lot of things I hated about this game, but honestly, these are all nitpicks. For literally every single one of these complaints, you can add onto the end “…the gunplay sure is fucking great though”. I had an absolute blast with Halo Inifinite, to the point where open world bullshit and a cowardly plot reset couldn’t even dampen my enthusiasm for the game.

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Love/Hate: Halo 5 – Guardians

Welcome back to the Halo love/hate series! In this entry we’ll be going over Halo 5: Guardians. I’ve been well aware of this game’s reputation long before I played it: stories about the marketing being deceptive, the game being full of repetitive boss fights, being downed constantly in co-op, and a despised story. Honestly though, I didn’t dislike Halo 4 as much as some people, so I’m going into this with an open mind. Maybe it can shake-up the series formula in some interesting ways? Maybe all the shit people sling at 343 Industries is unwarranted? Read on to find out…

Love

  • Meridian – Halo games haven’t really bothered to explore the wider cultures of humanity. That sort of thing is generally relegated to the EU novels. As a result, it was fascinating when the game heads to the human frontier world, Meridian, and we get to see the tension between the UNSC and the colonists. In the Halo universe, the SPARTAN program was developed to crush dissent from separatist colonists. The animosity that the people of Meridian hold towards the SPARTANs is palpable, and the way that the SPARTANs have to be extra polite to avoid pissing them off makes for some legitimate tension. Perhaps the most interesting thing here though is that Meridian’s governor, Sloan, is an AI. This took me by surprise, but it’s kind of brilliant: of course humanity would have AI politicians, it makes so much sense to implement. Making this even more interesting, Sloan is in the early onset of rampancy, making his actions somewhat erratic and making the whole situation even more tense, since he could go off the deep end at any moment.
  • Quality of Life Improvements – In its efforts to modernize the franchise, Halo 5 has some nice quality of life improvements. One that I particularly liked was that you can now swap seats in a vehicle by pressing A instead of having to go through an animation to leave the vehicle and then manually move to find the seat you want. The game also allows you to give simple commands to your squadmates, which they will follow fairly reliably.
  • More Movement Options – In line with Halo 5‘s QoL improvements and modernizations, movement has been overhauled to be much faster and more in-line with the FPS games of the day. You can now grab ledges while jumping, do a charging attack or a ground pound, do a quick rocket thruster dodge, aim in mid-air to float momentarily… oh, and you can just sprint endlessly now too. As you would expect, this shakes-up the series’ core game feel and pace substantially.

Mixed

  • Modernized Controls – When I was playing through Combat Evolved, I kept getting tripped up by its old-school control scheme (R1 to reload and pickup items? L3 to crouch? B to melee? L2 to throw grenade?). FPS control schemes have become so standardized that it’s weird going back to an older game and trying to get acclimated. However… I just played through six Halo games that all retained that control scheme. Going into Halo 5, I was used to that traditional scheme and was completely thrown off when it played exactly like a modern shooter (B to reload/pickup items, L2 to aim down sights, L1 to throw grenade, etc). I didn’t like this at first… but, honestly, this is just me complaining about the game being different. Changing the controls to be more familiar to modern gamers is fine and does not take away from anything. It’s not even like Resident Evil‘s tank controls, where you’re being nostalgic for a fundamentally different way to experience those games: you could remap the controls if you wanted to and it would play the exact same.

Hate

  • Fucking Loot Boxes – This game has paid loot boxes in it. Do I even need to say more than that? That, by itself, should give you an idea of the sort of bullshit you’re going to be subjected to in this game. Strap in, we’re just getting started here…
  • It’s a COD Clone – The back half of the PS3/Xbox 360 era was a graveyard for FPS games trying to emulate the success of Call of Duty. Every franchise was bending over backwards to change or dilute its core tone and gameplay systems in order to appeal to the lowest common denominator COD fan. Here’s the thing though: every one of those games that went all-in on mass appeal failed. By the time that the new console generation was rolling around, this was pretty well known and we were getting far less COD clones. Hell, with the dawn of the PS4 and Xbox One, even COD had outstayed its welcome and was facing some pretty heavy backlash. So, I can only imagine that 343 Industries looked at all these failed COD clones and said “We can do worse”. I could feel the influence of Call of Duty on this franchise since at least Reach, but in Halo 5 it is blatant (even down to the aforementioned modernized controls, which basically just bring the franchise into parity with Call of Duty). Nearly every bit of gameplay that was distinctly “Halo” has been stripped away in favour of appealing to the Call of Duty crowd.
    • The biggest impact of this approach is that the combined arms, open sandbox structure that most Halo games employ (to varying degrees) has been largely eliminated in favour of much more linear shooting galleries. In their place, 343 Industries have instead inserted several bombastic, scripted set-piece action moments that Call of Duty campaigns are famous for. These moments just feel vapid, the sort of noisy light shows that we had largely tired of years earlier. Meanwhile, the linear levels are painfully mediocre, with every level being a series of “kill all enemies in this room to unlock the door, then move onto the next room and do the same, etc”. These moments were always the weak, filler portions of the previous Halo games, so seeing that be the core gameplay loop here is pretty dire. That said, if this was the only problem, then Halo 5 would just be mediocre. However…
  • Co-op Focus Screws the Game Design – Halo games are famous for their campaigns which can be played through entirely in co-op. I actually was unaware that you could play up to four-player co-op in these games as early as Halo 3, but you honestly would never realize it: the campaign was clearly designed for single-player and is balanced as such. Halo 5, on the other hand, is designed from the ground up with four players in mind, which means that things have changed quite a bit…
    • Pity Halo 5‘s level design: not only is it getting fucked for being a COD clone, but then the four player co-op comes in to fuck it from an entirely different angle. To accommodate entertaining four people at once, combat encounters are far less focused. Each area feels like a miniature multiplayer arena, where you start the encounter by picking a lane and then clear out all the enemies there until everyone has cleared out their zone. You end up getting swarmed by enemy forces from all angles, including occasions where you have enemies spawning behind you. The game ended up reminding me way too much of Operation Raccoon City, although the core gunplay was good enough that it’s not quite that bad at least.
    • Since you can be revived now, Halo 5 is simultaneously more forgiving and more punishing than other Halo games. Sure, you can get revived by your partners if you play sloppily, but you also get a lot more overpowered enemy attacks that will either one-shot you (such as the Eternal Warden’s melee attack), or which have splash damage which is difficult to negate (such as incineration cannons, the Hunter fuel rod cannon, etc). Naturally, you are going to hear “I’m down, need assistance!” a lot.
  • The Story – Halo 4‘s story was a mess, but at least it had a solid emotional core that you could latch onto. Halo 5 ditches much of the sci-fi gobbledygook that plagued its predecessor, but it’s no less confusing for it…
    • First of all, the narrative is poorly conveyed. The actual plot here is pretty simple: Cortana is back and evil now, Master Chief goes AWOL to try to find her, SPARTAN Locke is tasked with apprehending Master Chief, and they all get caught up in Cortana’s plot to resurrect the Guardians – giant Forerunner robots which were used to enforce order in the galaxy. Good luck keeping track of what’s going on though, because Halo 5 just assumes you already know what’s happening at any given time. Like… to give you an idea of how bad the storytelling in this game is, the game just suddenly assumes that Cortana is evil before we actually have any reason to believe that to be the case. You’re just expected to go along with it, but that’s a massive change that needs some time to breathe. Or how about the Guardians: they’re supposed to be the big threat that the game revolves around, but we never really get a sense of what they do or why they’re so scary. Again, the game just assumes that you already know what’s going on.
    • Then there’s the inciting incident which puts this entire plot into motion: Master Chief gets knocked out, hallucinates about Cortana, who gives him some mysterious directives, and then he just decides to do what she told him to (to the point of disobeying his superiors to do so). Like… what the fuck? I get that Halo 3 and 4 had weird hallucinations with Cortana, but they never really came across like they were “real”. This here in Halo 5? It’s full-on space magic, I don’t know how else they can really justify it.
    • Maybe the worst part about this story though is what it does to the Master Chief. He spends this entire game chasing after Cortana instead of dealing with the existential threat of the Guardians… in fact, by chasing after Cortana, he’s actually kind of complicit in everything that happens. You could argue that he was pursuing Cortana, because she was the source of the threat and he needed to eliminate her to stop the Guardians… but that never happens. He encounters her and then they have a chat instead of trying to eliminate the problem. It’s also not like this is the Cortana we knew before; she is clearly an entirely different person now, so it should be easier for him to do what’s needed. Is… is this what 343 Industries were trying to convey from the whole “you’re not a machine” theme in Halo 4? Are they saying that he needed to be way more selfish and damn the rest of humanity for his own interests? Guys… are these tech bros a bunch of libertarians…? Fucking insanity.
  • The Characters – Related to all the previous issues we’ve already discussed, the characters in Halo 5 suck. Theoretically, it’s kind of cool that 343 Industries brought Master Chief’s squad mates from the Halo novels into the games. Having ODST‘s Buck become a SPARTAN is also a pretty cool move. However, none of this ends up mattering, because none of them have any development, interactions, or characterization beyond “is a soldier”. Even Arbiter’s return isn’t particularly interesting, because he basically does nothing (although I do find it hilarious that they make a point of telling us that he’s a feminist, because he breaks Elite tradition and allows females into his ranks, LOL).
    • The Eternal Warden is, apparently, supposed to be this game’s main “bad guy”. He’s a Promethean construct who occasionally shows up to oppose you. You end up having to kill the guy like seven or eight times across the course of the game and it becomes tiring very quickly. I also don’t get his part in the story at all. He’s like a rival to Cortana, but she slaps him around like a bitch at every turn. When she vanquishes him at the end, you’d think it would be a big “oh shit, she just killed the powerful bad guy!” moment, but I didn’t feel anything. Dude sucks.
    • Also, probably goes without saying, but having multiple SPARTANs in your story is lame. Master Chief’s cool, largely because he’s the only man capable of saving the day. When you have an entire squad of SPARTANs, it dilutes that importance and your squad doesn’t feel exponentially more powerful than you did when you were solo.
  • Technical Issues – Okay, we’ve gotten through the big problems, now onto some smaller fish… This game has some really weird technical issues, the most obvious of which is that enemies will render at a lower frame rate if they’re more than a few meters away and you’re not looking directly at them. I can only assume that this was implemented to keep the game running smoothly and to deal with optimization issues (it reminds me of similar issues in Pokémon Violet). However, this game doesn’t look that good, so I assume that it’s probably a combination of having to accommodate four players and general development incompetence. Oh, and speaking of incompetence, the NPC AI is worthless. You can give commands, sure, but your squad mates will struggle to kill anything, and their pathfinding makes having AI operate vehicles an exercise in frustration. I saw my squad mates get themselves killed constantly, including one particularly funny moment where we had to escape a massive Covenant vehicle. I escaped in a Banshee, only to turn around and see that my squad was still fucking around inside before the whole thing blew up and took them all with it.
  • Interactive Cutscene “Missions” – Halo 5 has three “missions” which can only really be described as interactive cutscenes. In these sequences, you and your companions are tasked with finding an NPC, talking to them, and then finding another NPC and talking to them. These sequences legitimately last anywhere from thirty seconds to two minutes at most, and make absolutely no sense to me. They even count as full-on missions for the achievements! I’d get it if all cutscenes in the game were done this way, but no, the game has plenty of cinematics, so I honestly do not understand what the hell they were doing with these things.

Halo 5: Guardians was a fucking experience. Moments after the game started, I just sat there and went “Oh. Oh no.” Taken on its own, Halo 5 is a mediocre-at-best co-op shooter with a weak narrative. In the context of this franchise though, Halo 5 is straight-up insulting. As you can see from all the “Hates” listed here, the game was fundamentally compromised on a design level and these issues cascaded to make by far the worst game in the entire franchise. Halo 5 gleefully packs so much of the stuff I hate about the past decade of gaming into its runtime, shedding everything you might have liked about Halo in the process. Oh, and making matters even more annoying for me, in particular: I just made a list of my 25 Worst Video Games of All-Time, and it’s already outdated. Halo 5: Guardians definitely deserves a spot on that list. Is this a bad time to announce that I’m intending to update my best/worst-of lists in about five years time to see how much they’ve changed in that time? Because, unless I play a lot of shit games between then and now, Halo 5: Guardians is sure as hell gonna be on there.

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Love/Hate: Halo 4

Welcome back to the Halo love/hate series! In this entry we’ll be going over Halo 4, the first new entry in the series by 343 Industries! I’ve heard really mixed things about this game over the years. On launch, it was lauded, but with the disappointment surrounding subsequent entries, it has retroactively been considered to be shit by Halo fans. Then again, ODST and Reach are loved by Halo fans, and I found them to be fairly disappointing, so maybe the disdain for this game is just complaints about it being different? Now that I’ve finally gotten the chance to play it, read on to find out what I thought…

Love

  • Graphics and Presentation – If there’s one area 343 Industries have undeniably improved over the previous Halo games, it’s the graphics and presentation. The CGI cutscenes are almost film-quality and the in-game cutscenes are more cinematic than ever. The graphics are also really good for an Xbox 360 game, to the point where I had to triple check that this wasn’t an Xbox One launch game. This game also makes you feel more like you’re seeing the world through the Master Chief’s eyes by having bits of helmet on the fringes of the screen and HUD projected onto his visor. I initially thought that this was going to be distracting when I started the game, but it ends up being really immersive and I stopped noticing it almost immediately.
    • Okay… I say “undeniably”, but this is also, apparently, a pretty controversial opinion. Turns out that people complain that the environments don’t look good and that there’s the early-2010s desaturated filter applied to everything – I did not notice this even once and I can only assume that this is just a symptom of the “343 can do nothing right!” complaints.
  • Improved Driving Controls – The driving controls have been refined once again, making vehicle-based gameplay more enjoyable. This is especially true for the Ghost, which is just buttery smooth to drive now.
  • New Weapons – As usual, Halo 4 introduces several new weapons to try out. Some are certainly better than others, but I particularly love the Binary Rifle, it feels so good to snipe people with it. I also quite enjoyed the Rail Gun for similar reasons, and the Storm Rifle is a cool upgrade to the Plasma Rifle.
  • Cortana – Jen Taylor is absolutely acting her ass off in Halo 4. Cortana has always been the best character in the previous games, but she’s especially relevant here. The entire emotional core of the game revolves around getting you to care about (and then be worried for) Cortana as she slowly succumbs to Rampancy (a condition in the Halo universe that causes AIs to “die” after around seven years as they become too complex to sustain themselves). Does she feel somewhat different compared to the previous games? Yes, but she’s also reckoning with her impending, inevitable death, and is realizing that she has so much that she still wants to live for. When Cortana’s facing down her mortality and says “They’ll pair you with another AI. Maybe even another Cortana model if Halsey lets them. It won’t be me… you know that right?”, Jen’s performance broke my fucking heart.
    • Also: call me a gooner if you want, but I actually quite like the redesign Cortana received in this game. It’s not very faithful to her design from the first couple games, and she’s been sexualized in a blatant attempt to try to get you to fall in love with her… but I’d be lying if I said it was not appealing. Hell, one could even argue that, as Cortana has come to develop a legitimate love for the Master Chief, she’s intentionally choosing this design to deepen their relationship to one another.
    • On that note, a bit of a side-tangent: I think my favourite Cortana design is from Halo 3. After that, I think I’d have to go with Combat Evolved‘s more sassy, punk-looking version of the character, just because of how different it is from the rest of the series. I guess that means that Halo 2‘s design’s my least favourite; it just feels like a half-measure on the way to the Halo 3 design.

Mixed

  • Prometheans – The new enemy type, the Prometheans, are decent. They may have been introduced a bit too early though: the Flood weren’t introduced until the sixth mission in Combat Evolved, which allowed them to shake-up the gameplay significantly, whereas the Prometheans show up at the end of the third level in Halo 4. The other issue with them is that they aren’t nearly as differentiated in their roles as The Covenant are. Each Covenant unit is very distinct and needs to be approached in a particular way. In comparison, the Crawlers and Watchers aren’t particularly different to fight – they’re both very weak and mobile, with the Watchers occasionally spawning in new enemies and flying away when shot. The Knights are the most differentiated and threatening. Some people really hate them for how they can teleport away from danger. This can be annoying, but I didn’t have too much trouble with this during my playthrough and typically killed them before they could escape. Maybe they’re worse on legendary difficulty, but I can’t really speak to that myself. All-in-all, the Prometheans are fine – I don’t enjoy fighting them as much as I do the Covenant, but they’re still passable FPS enemies.

Hate

  • The Covenant – Imagine being there for Halo 4‘s release and speculating about where the story would go next. Humanity won the war against the Covenant. The Prophets were dead, the capital city of the empire was destroyed by the Flood, and the Elites were now an independent faction. Sure, there’d probably still be some remnants of the Covenant continuing to fight, but surely we’d be facing off against some other threat, right? Well… minutes into Halo 4, you fight the Covenant as if literally nothing ever happened. They’re even led by Elites again! It’s just so underwhelming to see them dive back into the ol’ status quo for several reasons:
    • For one thing, Master Chief says that these Covenant seem “more fanatical”, but that does not come across in the slightest. The Covenant we had faced in the Bungie games would literally send suicide bombers at you, I daresay that these ones seem less fanatical in comparison. Like… they couldn’t do something to differentiate them? Even Halo 2‘s Arbiter missions had heretical Covenant who were clearly distinct from the rest of their kin. You’d think that they could make them stand out like that? Or, hell, since their empire is now shattered, maybe their weapons and gear are more ramshackle, or they have less access to heavy weaponry? Literally fucking anything but more of the same…?
    • They also redesigned the Covenant in this game, and I kind of hate what they’ve done to them. Elites have been bulked up massively, but the Grunts and Jackals especially just look wrong to me, ditching their previous designs in favour of something more reptilian. It makes them look less like a conglomerate of unique, unified species and more like a bunch of lightly-differentiated, scaly, alien bad guys.
    • Also, I don’t think the game ever explains why these Covenant are fighting us? This could be entirely on me missing some line of dialogue, but they just show up on your drifting spaceship and attack you out of nowhere. It’s not like they were even trying to link up with the Prometheans, because they start slaughtering the Covenant when they first encounter them, only to turn them to their side moments later. Again, maybe I just missed something that explained this, or didn’t read some novel about this faction, but that kinda leads into my next problem with this game…
  • The Story – Halo 4 has a different tone compared to its predecessors. Combat Evolved and 2 were written like grand, sci-fi military novels. 3 was written like an a blockbuster action movie. In comparison, 4 is written to be this blockbuster, sci-fi space opera. It has a much more melodramatic tone, is more focused on the emotional drama between the characters, and has way more focus on the lore of this universe. This is different, which is not necessarily bad. In fact, I rather like that 343 Industries are trying to put their own spin on Halo: Lord knows that these games’ stories weren’t so good that they couldn’t do with some narrative experimentation. However, the way that they’ve gone about this made Halo 4‘s story more frustrating than enthralling for me…
    • Put simply, the biggest issue with this game is that way too much of the dialogue boils down to Cortana throwing around lots of sci-fi mumbo-jumbo. Rampancy, Requiem, Infinity, Terminus, the Didact, the Librarian, the Mantle, the Composer… you might get a context clue or a single line of dialogue to explain what these things are, and then you’re expected to keep track of that for the rest of the game, or until the game bothers give you another context clue several hours later. I remember Rampancy from the Halo novels, so at least I understood that part, the Didact is the bad guy, and I eventually figured out that Requiem is the new Forerunner installation we spend most of the game on, but so much of this game’s narrative is utter nonsense if you cannot keep all these terms straight. Hell, even when we find out what things are, I still couldn’t tell you what these things even do. Like, Halo is simple: it’s a location to contain the Flood and, when it fires, it will kill all sentient life. Requiem, on the other hand, is… a prison for the Didact, maybe? I literally do not know why it exists or what the fuck is happening in this game. The Composer is probably the most egregious example of this. I guess it genocides people and then… digitizes them into Prometheans or something? How many people did it kill at the end of the game? Hell if I know.
    • I’ve heard people accuse 343 Industries of being a studio that makes Halo games, but hates Halo. I really don’t get that impression after playing Halo 4. The way that they’ve written this game, it screams passion for this universe. However, the way it has been written puts emphasis squarely on “the lore”. The world-building and lore were important to the success of the earlier games, but they were not the most important thing, whereas here it feels disproportionate to your enjoyment of the game. If you are obsessed with the lore, read the dozens of novels, and can actually follow all the gobbledygook they throw at you, you might have a really rich experience. If not… man, you are in for a rough time. Halo 4 just feels like an example of “fans do not know what they actually need”: a lot of the time, it’s retreading Halo‘s greatest hits, while obsessing about the finer details that only the biggest Halo nerds would get excited about. As a result of all this stuff, playing through Halo 4 feels like you’re reading through a fucking Fandom wiki.
    • Also, this probably seems contradictory to my last point, but this game makes some pretty major retcons to the Halo lore. In particular, the Bungie games had heavily implied that the Forerunners were humans (or human-related). 343 Industries have instead elected to make the Forerunners a completely separate species who were at war with humanity at one point. They destroyed human society and bombed us back to the stone age. Then, when they annihilated themselves to contain the Flood, they seeded knowledge into the human genome to eventually create the SPARTAN program and take over the galaxy… which is just fucking insanity, holy shit. It can be easy to miss or gloss over this stuff because of how nonsensical the narrative is, but when you piece it all together, it’s pretty baffling and an awful change to the series’ lore. Like… I still think that 343 Industries are passionate about Halo… like any fandom though, they have a particular way of viewing that lore, which they’ve expanded and pushed in their preferred direction, and that’s rubbed fans who have their own interpretations the wrong way.
    • On a completely different note, the game’s writing is ham-fisted beyond belief. At one point, Cortana says to Master Chief “Before this is over, promise me you’ll figure out which one of us is the machine.” This is a pretty cool line, but it just comes out of nowhere. There’s never been any concern between them about the Chief being too machine-like; it just feels like it was written for the trailers. Then, at the ending, one of the characters awkwardly mentions that soldiers aren’t machines, which was already making me roll my eyes for how unsubtle it was, but then Master fucking Chief himself goes “She said that to me once. About being a machine…” I slapped my fucking head in frustration. WE GET IT, your theme isn’t nearly as clever as you seem to think it is.
    • Oh, and then there’s the grating melodrama. The most egregious example of this is Captain Del Rio. Why is this guy such a fucking dick to Master Chief every time we see him? He’s being confrontational and screaming at the dude who literally won the war for him only five years earlier. It’s a cheap way to add some stakes, but it just comes across as dumb and lazy, especially since most Halo characters to this point have acted professionally and intelligently at all times (except for you, ODST…).
    • All that said: the game does start getting good in the last couple levels. When the third act kicks off, they’ve finished introducing new gobbledygook, so we’re able to focus on the actual important shit: Cortana, Master Chief, and the existential threats they’re facing. I might even be open to the argument that Halo 4 has the strongest finale of any Halo game, because a solid emotional core and strong characters trump all the lore in the world. And this is despite me having no fucking clue what is even happening for most of this finale: it doesn’t matter that I have no idea how Cortana somehow magically saved Chief from nuking himself, because I can understand the emotional stakes between these characters, which are far more interesting than anything else in the game.
  • Sound Design – I’m not really someone who notices or properly appreciates the sound design in a game. Take that how you will, but that tells me when I do notice it that they’re either doing something amazing, or they’re doing something really bad. I had a few issues with the sound design in this game, but many of the guns in particular just sound wrong. There’s also this weird difference between a gun’s sound when you’re using a scope vs hip firing it… like, are you sticking your fucking head into the scope? Why does the Lightrifle sound so weird in ADS, but normal in hip fire?
    • That said, I will give them credit for the good ol’ shotgun though: that thing sounds explosive when it fires.

Halo 4 was… fine. I didn’t dislike it nearly as much as some people did, but it certainly didn’t deserve the high 8s and 9s it got from reviewers on launch either. I honestly think that most of the distaste for the game is a combination of retroactive sour grapes after being disappointed by 343 Industries in latter entries, and for being different from the Bungie games. It’s fine, which isn’t exactly a glowing endorsement, but it’s better than some people give it credit for.

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Love/Hate: Halo – Reach

Welcome back to the Halo love/hate series! In this entry we’ll be going over the final Bungie-developed Halo game, Halo: Reach! Going in, this was probably the Halo game I knew the least about, but I had always heard that it was a solid swan-song for the Bungie games. How does the game hold up today? Read on to find out…

Love

  • Customizable Avatar – Perhaps the coolest feature of Halo: Reach was one that I didn’t realize until I was most of the way through the game. It turns out that Noble Six, the SPARTAN you play as, is customizable and based on your multiplayer avatar. I set that avatar months before I actually got around to playing the game, so I had no idea until very late in the game that my character was personalized, but it’s such a cool feature and a great way to pay tribute to the fans.
  • Perks – The equipment system from Halo 3 has been reworked in Reach and, in my opinion, it’s much more impactful now. The equipment pickups are now replaced with Call of Duty-style perks which operate on a quick cooldown and can be swapped out if you find a perk pickup in-game. There’s some pretty cool options, like the armour lock and jet pack, but (perhaps most notably) these perks finally bring sprinting to Halo (albeit, on a pathetically-short time limit, but at least it speeds up traversal a bit).
  • Long Night of Solace – This is the first level where Reach really stands out from its predecessors. A very big chunk of this level has you piloting a space ship and getting into full-on dogfights with Banshees and Phantoms before flying into a Covenant supercarrier and battling your way through the interior. It’s a level that is epic in scope and execution. While I can see some people getting annoyed with this level, since the flying combat isn’t as good as dedicated flight game and it can drag on a bit long, but it’s such an ambitious and epic level that I have to give it major props.
  • Lone Wolf – Speaking of memorable levels, the finale of Reach is really memorable. You’re given minimal information about what to do (Current Objective: Survive) and then get swarmed by Covenant. Eventually, you’ll come to realize that there is no happy ending, all you can do is take down as many Covenant with you as you can. There’s nothing stopping you from just chucking a grenade at your feet and ending it immediately, but it’s got that Call of Duty Zombies compulsion that makes you want to hop right back in and see if you can make it further next time.
  • Exploding Grunts – A pretty small, but funny change is that Grunts’ backpacks can explode, sending them flying wildly when they die. I love the Grunts for being a bunch of cowardly goobers, and this cartoonish death just makes them even more endearing.

Mixed

  • Elites Are Back – Look, I know I’ve ragged on the last couple games for being less fun because the Elites were replaced by the less-intelligent Brutes, so I should be happy that the Elites are back here. However, if you put a gun to my head and asked me if I thought that their return was a noticeable upgrade, I honestly don’t think it’s made much of a difference. Hell, even the Brutes don’t feel much like Brutes in this game, they’re just Elites with a different character model. I am not sure why exactly these enemies do not have that spark that made them stand out in the first couple games, but I think it comes down to changes in the enemy AI. Enemies and allies felt like they had personality and intelligence before, but I never really got that sense here.
  • New and Rebalanced Weapons – Reach has quite a few new weapons and has rebalanced a lot of the old weapons, although I’m pretty mixed on both of these aspects.
    • In terms of the new weapons, my favourite is the Plasma Repeater, which is just a straight upgrade on the old Plasma Rifle. The grenade launcher is also pretty cool, although it’s kind of surprising that it took this long for one to get introduced. However, other new weapons, like the Concussion Rifle, Needler Rifle, and Focus Rifle kinda suck. Every time I ran out of ammo and had to pick up one of these weapons, I made a stink face and then ditched them as soon as I could.
    • For the rebalanced weapons, the magnum is awesome again, one-shotting most unshielded enemies with a headshot. The needler is also legitimately good here. In every game thus far, I would try it out just to see how it was, but this was the first time where I would actively seek it out. Unfortunately, the plasma sword is kind of shit once again, especially compared to the brute hammer (which has also been nerfed).
  • Noble Team – Your squad of SPARTANs in this game, Noble Team are… alright. They have significantly more interesting personalities than the goofball soldiers from ODST, but they don’t have any sort of development over the course of the story. They’re introduced with an archetypal character trait, and then that defines them for the rest of the game. Consequently, I didn’t really care all that much when they start dying, because there’s nothing really to latch onto.
  • Story Structure – The fall of Reach is supposed to be this massive defeat for humanity, where one of our greatest strongholds was crushed by the Covenant as they scour the entire surface of the world from orbit. Unfortunately, Reach rarely lives up to this promise, as the game doesn’t feel all that desperate. This is especially true in the first half of the game, where you’re basically just killing time fighting random Covenant patrols. It feels less like a world-ending tragedy, and more like a bunch of SPARTANs getting themselves killed unnecessarily like a bunch of dummies. It’s not until the last couple missions that it finally feels like there are some stakes, but even then it’s not that effective. Hell, I completed the last mission, then the credits started rolling and I literally said “Wait, that’s it?” Sure, it’s followed up by “Lone Wolf” as the epilogue, but I legitimately thought I had a couple more levels of content to go, because the ending felt like an anti-climax.

Hate

  • The AI – As I alluded to earlier, the AI in Reach is pretty poor by Halo standards, especially for your allies. That’s a particular problem in this game, since you almost always have a fellow SPARTAN with you instead of some random marine, so it feels even more egregious when they get themselves stuck somewhere and then have to be conspicuously teleported in front of you to keep up. Vehicle pathfinding is a bit better than it was in ODST, but I had one moment in the final level where the AI was driving a mongoose and then they said “We have to jump it!” over a broken bridge… before proceeding to gingerly drive over the ledge. I got lucky and avoided dying because I got caught on the scenery, but it was a pretty embarrassing moment (especially because my AI companion was stuck at the bottom of a canyon, making their forced teleport later even more noticeable).
  • No Dual-Wielding – A big reason why the weapons have been rebalanced again in Reach is because Bungie removed the option to dual-wield. This has clearly been done for balancing reasons (you can just make the weapon good, instead of having to make it only good when dual-wielded)… but fuck that. I’m only really analyzing these games on their single-player, so let me have my power fantasy. Dual-wielding in Halo 2 and plowing through a horde of grunts was one of the biggest power trips of my life. I kind of hate this competitive multiplayer mentality some developers have with their shooters, just let players have fun.

Honestly, I was pretty disappointed by Halo: Reach. Ever since this game came out, I figured it would be the definitive Halo game; Bungie’s last, big hurrah before the franchise went to 343. While I did enjoy it more than ODST, it’s missing that special spark that made Halo 2 and 3 so much fun to play through. The industry had changed fairly substantially in the decade between Combat Evolved and Reach, and I can’t help but feel like the growing dominance of Call of Duty, and competitive multiplayer in general, influenced the changes in this entry. Maybe it’s better on the multiplayer side of things, but as far as the campaigns go, Reach was a pretty big disappointment for me, even if the game itself is not bad.

Anyway, onto the 343 Industries games, I’m sure those will be much better…

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Love/Hate: Halo 3 – ODST

Welcome back to the Halo love/hate series! In this entry we’ll be going over our first spin-off title, Halo 3: ODST! This was a weird little release: the series’ overarching narrative seemed to have concluded, so there was a lot of questions about how Halo would be able to continue. Bungie then announced this game, which had started out as an expansion to Halo 3, but would evolve into its own stand-alone experience. The resulting game is pretty interesting for a number of reasons, not least of all because it’s the first game to not feature Master Chief in any capacity. Would the game hold up without the franchise’s hero? Read on to find out…

Love

  • Experimentation – Halo 3: ODST shakes up the franchise’s normal campaign structure in some pretty fundamental ways, which make the game feel very unique among Halo titles. The campaign is split into two timelines. The A-plot is the present, where you play as “the Rookie”, who has become isolated from his squad and is trying to figure out what happened to them as he makes his way across New Mombasa. The B-plot involves a bunch of flashbacks to the Rookie’s various squadmates as they battle Covenant forces. The B-plot plays out through traditional Halo levels, but the Rookie’s sections occur through a semi-open world as you navigate through the isolated streets of New Mombasa. In these sections, you have to decide how to reach objectives while confronting or avoiding any Covenant patrols you may come across. It’s a fairly unique structure for a Halo game, let alone a stand-alone DLC expansion, and I have to appreciate that they at least tried to do something different here.
  • The Opening Drop is Intense – You name a game ODST (which stands for “orbital drop shock trooper”), and you’d better believe I expect to get dropped from orbit at some point. In that regard, ODST does not disappoint. It opens with some quick character introductions, and then it’s feet-first into hell through a visually-spectacular and chaotic opening that is easily the highlight of the game.

Mixed

  • VISR System – ODST introduces the VISR optical HUD, which has some fairly interesting functionality. It plays similarly to Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter, outlining objects in the world and highlighting friendlies and enemies. With the larger, more open environments, it can be very helpful to have a way to point out where to go next. However, I can’t help but feel like it is a bit of a crutch, like detective vision in so many games of this era: the environments do not clearly communicate where you need to go, so instead the game relies on waypoints and colour-coded highlights to do that for you. It also doesn’t help that the game often makes VISR basically unusable, since it becomes a visual hinderance in bright areas, forcing you to toggle it on and off regularly.

Hate

  • The Writing and Characters – For all its military realism, Halo has some pretty cartoonish characters between Master Chief’s confident badassery and Sergeant Johnson’s cigar-chomping antics. However, they’re also contrasted against more serious characters, like Jacob and Miranda Keyes, Lord Hood, the Arbiter, or even Cortana to a certain degree. However, ODST is clearly inspired by Joss Whedon’s writing style on Firefly, even down to casting Nathan Fillion, Adam Baldwin, and Alan Tudyk in the lead roles. As a result of this influence, the entire cast are a bunch of cartoonish jokers who can’t take anything seriously or professionally (which gets especially egregious when Nathan Fillion and Tricia Helfer are arguing about relationship drama over comms in the middle of a warzone).
    • On top of this, ODST is framed like there’s a big mystery that you’re building towards, but the story itself is really uncompelling. The flashback sequences don’t really move the story forward at all, they just kind of exist to pad the runtime. It’s not until the last level that the story actually has some interesting developments, but by that point it is way too late to salvage this narrative. Let’s put it this way: the first three Halo games were about telling a story. This game is just fleshing out the series’ lore.
  • The Level Design – While I will give ODST credit for trying something different with its structure, I really hate the move away from a more curated, linear level design. The streets of New Mombasa are huge and weirdly empty. It’s not unusual to spend a long time wandering around without even running into a Covenant patrol. I can see how this might be immersive to some players, but for my part, I found this incredibly dull. I’ve complained before about open world design and how it makes the minute-to-minute gameplay boring, so you can imagine how annoying ODST‘s slow, monotonous traversal gets for me.
  • Health Regeneration System – ODST goes back to Combat Evolved‘s health system, where you have a regenerating shield and a health bar to maintain. However, one key difference is that the game will freak out at you long before your shield has actually gone down. This puts you in a stressed state way more often than previous Halo games. However, when you come to realize that the game is being over-zealous with its shield warnings, you kind of just ignore them and push more aggressively, making this new warning system kind of worthless. It also doesn’t help that health stations are really badly sign-posted, so you can go for long stretches of gameplay without a chance to heal while playing as the Rookie.
  • The AI – Unfortunately, ODST is the first Halo game where the AI feels straight-up dumb:
    • First of all, the friendly AI are incredibly stupid, especially when they’re in vehicles. Their pathfinding is awful, often getting stuck on objects or charging at a tank and then getting you blown up with no real opportunity to prevent this from happening. On more than one occasion, I had a story-important squad mate get stuck and then (very obviously) have to be teleported ahead of me to prevent them from getting left behind.
    • Perhaps worst of all though is the enemy AI. In ODST, you’re not playing as Master Chief, so you should feel out-gunned by Covenant forces. The game certainly throws overwhelming numbers of Covenant at you, but the game feels like it has gimped them compared to previous Halo games. Throughout this game, I felt like I was making reckless plays which would have gotten me killed in any previous Halo game, but I was getting through because enemies would just refuse to shoot me, or have terrible aim. Making matters worse, I was being forced to make these reckless plays, because I just wasn’t being given the resources needed to deal with all these enemies. I dunno who thought it made sense to have me fight two Wraith tanks and two squads of Covenant forces at the same time with just anti-infantry weapons, but the fact that I was able to pull through this with little difficulty is kind of ridiculous.

Halo 3: ODST left me thoroughly underwhelmed. I wasn’t really sure what to expect going in, but I really dislike all the ways that this game attempted to shake-up the Halo formula. I appreciate the attempt to differentiate this game, and I’m sure that there are people who love what they were going for here, but nothing they’ve tried here makes Halo more fun to play for me. As annoying as Combat Evolved could be, I still enjoyed myself there more than I did here.

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Love/Hate: Halo 3

Welcome back to the Halo love/hate series! In this entry we’ll be going over the series’ third entry, Halo 3! We’re now past the point where I had any first-hand experience with these games: I remember this game being an absolute blockbuster at the time, and it was the #1 shooter in the world for a few years until Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare took over the genre, but I never got to play it. Could it resolve Halo 2‘s cliffhanger in a satisfying way? Read on to find out…

Love

  • New Weapons – As usual, a new Halo game means new weapons, and they’ve introduced some really cool ones here:
    • Best of all is the brute hammer. This thing is ridiculously satisfying to use. It’s devastating, one-shots pretty much everything, has a large area of effect blast when it hits (which will kill multiple clustered enemies), sends debris flying on impact, and makes a really loud noise. It’s the quintessential distillation of the brutes as a species, and it’s fantastic.
    • The spiker and mauler are both really cool options. The spiker is kind of like an SMG version of the needler, it’s really reliable and enjoyable to use. The mauler, meanwhile, is a shotgun pistol. Both of these guns are dual-wieldable, which just makes them even more fun to use.
    • The Spartan laser is also a really cool power weapon that puts out a devastating amount of damage. However, it remains fairly balanced due to its long charge time before it fires, meaning that you have to keep the target in your sights or waste the shot.
    • Oh, and the game now lets you pickup gun turrets from around the environment and use them as power weapons! It’s as badass as it sounds to pick up a heavy machine gun or a plasma cannon and then spend the next minute mowing down everything in sight.
  • Weapon Rebalancing – Halo 2 suffered a bit due to its wildly unbalanced weapons. You could maybe argue that this was intentional, but Halo 3 is clearly trying to make every weapon viable. There aren’t really any weapons here that I wouldn’t want to pickup. Most of the weak guns from Halo 2 have been improved massively: the assault rifle is back and actually useable, the shotgun is worthwhile again (although it’s still nowhere near as good as it was in Combat Evolved), the plasma rifle is far better against non-shielded enemies, the Brute shot is significantly better… really, the only weapon that has clearly been nerfed to oblivion is the energy sword. The lunge distance has been made extremely short, and while it does one-shot most enemies, I’ve had instances where I’ve had to hit a Flood combat form five times to get a kill on normal difficulty… HOW???
  • Epic, Free-Form Combat Scenarios – Gone are almost all the corridor shooting levels from previous Halo games: Halo 3 loves to revel in the large combat arenas where you fight alongside allies and use various vehicles to combat hordes of enemies. Probably the biggest highlight is driving a mongoose ATV while your allies blast rockets at enemy vehicles… and then a scarab walker shows up and you need to disable it, jump on board, and then blow it up from the inside. Combat is straight-up epic in this game!

Mixed

  • Equipment Pickups – Halo 3 introduces several equipment pickups, which operate similarly to the temporary armour upgrades you could find in the previous two games (bubble shield, deployable cover, auto-turret, invisibility, invincibility, flashbang, etc). The big differences are that they are way more common and you get to choose when to use them. They’re… alright. They certainly work, but they do not feel all that important to the combat flow (at least on normal difficulty: I can see bubble shields and deployable cover being way more impactful on legendary). A lot of these equipment pickups are stationary once used, which isn’t really something you want to be doing in Halo most of the time. It’s also really hard to see them; I kept accidentally picking them up by walking over them… I could count the number of times I intentionally grabbed an equipment pickup on one hand and still have fingers to spare for your mom.

Hate

  • The Story – Halo 3 is a suitably epic finale for a story about a galactic war and genocidal alien parasite. However, as it goes on, I can’t help but have several nagging issues about it which sour it somewhat:
    • First of all, the grand, sci-fi world-building of Combat Evolved and Halo 2 is pretty much gone. We learn nothing new about the Covenant society (which, if you’ll recall, had its entire freaking capital city genocided by the Flood in Halo 2). Basically nothing new is learned or introduced here, it’s just culminating the events of the last two games. Aside from a couple big deaths, there’s no risks taken. That’s fine, I guess, but it’s disappointing after the thoughtful writing and big revelations brought in by Halo 2.
    • On a related note, the war just kind of… ends. The prophets are dead, but you’re telling me that there’s no Covenant still choosing to fight? The Brutes sure as hell seemed to want to fight this war, they’re not taking over and continuing the fight? There’s no new power structure forming? Oh, and the game acts like the Flood have been defeated, but that was just one Gravemind… given that we know there are multiple Halo rings still out there, that presumably means that there are several installations which still have Flood on them, right?
    • I get that Cortana’s out of the picture for most of the game due to the events of Halo 2, but you can really feel her absence (and, when she comes back, it’s a breath of fresh air). Definitely makes you appreciate her character more, but the entire narrative suffers without her.
    • I also found it pretty disappointing that the last couple levels are basically just rehashing the ending of Combat Evolved, to lesser effect, in my opinion.
    • Finally, Arbiter’s just kind of “here”. People complained about him in Halo 2, so Bungie folded and he’s no longer playable outside of co-op. He’s still gets a couple story moments, but his character development is stunted and we miss out on a lot of the developments that would be happening on the Covenant side of things (like that the Elites are now working with humanity against the Covenant).
  • Flashbangs – So, something I neglected to mention about equipment: enemies get to use them as well. This is not that big a deal most of the time, but where it becomes infuriating is that one of the pickups is a flashbang. It’s worthless when you use it, but when Brutes start chucking them around, they’re infuriating. There’s a reason most first person shooters do give NPCs flashbangs, it basically makes the game unplayable when they’re used. Thankfully, these were only used on a handful of occasions during my playthrough, but there was one section early in the game where Brutes were just spamming them at me and it drove me nuts. Oh, and speaking of which…
  • Brutes – Brutes just are not that fun to fight compared to Elites. At least in Halo 2, you only start fighting Brutes halfway through, but here they’re the main enemy for a good chunk of the game. Since they don’t have shields, this breaks the strategic weapon choices from the previous two games, since plasma is less-necessary. They’re also a lot less intelligent, so the enemy AI is not nearly as interesting as it was previously.

Halo 3 is solid, but I can’t help but feel disappointed with it compared to Halo 2. While it is a fitting conclusion for the trilogy, the world just feels smaller and more dumbed down after the expansion it received in Halo 2. The gunplay is definitely improved, so it has that, but I guess this just shows where my priorities are with games: gameplay is just one factor to the overall package, and story matters quite a lot to me, to the point where Halo 2 is the clear best of the trilogy, even though Halo 3 undeniably plays better overall.

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Love/Hate: Halo 2

Welcome back to the Halo love/hate series! In this entry we’ll be going over the series’ second entry, Halo 2! Like I said in the first entry, I had played a bit of Halo 2‘s multiplayer back when we did LAN parties at my church, but other than that, I had very little first-hand experience with the game. I didn’t see past the campaign’s opening cutscene, and I didn’t get that far into the novels to reach any Halo 2 content, so nearly all my knowledge of the game was just general cultural osmosis (Arbiter, the cliffhanger ending, etc). Would it be able to improve the rough edges of the original game? Read on to find out…

Love

  • Major Gameplay Improvements – It’s hard for me to really describe how much better Halo 2 feels to play compared to Combat Evolved in nearly every facet. Let’s put it this way: when I was playing through Combat Evolved, I’d be able to stomach one level per sitting before I’d want to turn it off. For Halo 2, I blitzed through three levels the first time I sat down to play and the only reason I didn’t play more was because I really needed to sleep. So I went to bed, and then I blitzed through another three levels the next day. Throughout this playthrough, I was gleefully playing two-to-three levels back-to-back whenever I could get the opportunity, it is that much fun. Knuckling down to specifics, major improvements include:
    • Vehicle handling is similar to Combat Evolved, but so much tighter and more responsive. No more crashing into everything because you can’t control your damn vehicle (plus, it also confirm that this was not an engine issue, it was very much a Combat Evolved issue, because vehicles are a blast here).
    • Explosives are far less oppressive now. You’ll still die to the occasional rocket launcher or plasma grenade, but the combat actually feels fair now.
    • Weapons held by allies can now be taken, meaning that you can customize the support that they provide, and you can get yourself a better weapon if needed (you are, after all, the best warrior in the room, so why are you stuck with the needler!?).
    • You can also hijack enemy vehicles now, which makes for some epic moments on its own, but it also means that you aren’t necessarily left flailing around if you have a weak weapon and some Elite is charging at you with a Ghost or a Banshee.
    • I also like the changes made to health. In Combat Evolved, you had a regenerating shield and a health bar which would be depleted when the shields went down. In theory, this sounds like a good system, but in practice, it means that you have very little margin for error. Shields down? You need to hide IMMEDIATELY or you’ll die in one hit next time your shield goes down, and who knows how long it will be before you find a med pack to restore those lost health points. Halo 2 simplifies this to just be a regenerating shield and then a set amount of damage you can take before your health and shields fully regenerate. It makes taking damage more forgiving and makes you feel like more of a badass, since you can choose to take that risk to take some damage if it means that you get to kill the last couple enemies in the process without punishing you for it.
  • Dual-wielding! – Easily the coolest new feature in Halo 2 is the ability to dual wield any one-handed weapon. I was grinning ear-to-ear like an idiot as I blasted away with dual SMGs in the opening levels. Granted, you can’t throw a grenade or melee when you’re dual wielding, but it’s very much worth it and, with this franchise’s strategic weapon-based combat system, it opens up so many options. You can choose to double-up your damage potential with a second copy of a particular weapon, or you can choose to shore up one weapon’s weakness with another (eg, SMG in one hand for Grunts, plasma rifle in the other for Elites). This is such an inspired feature and just another aspect of what makes combat in Halo 2 so goddamn fun.
  • New Weapons – Halo 2 introduces several new weapons to the franchise. My favourite is, without a question, the energy sword, which kills almost everything with one melee strike and which closes the distance with an enemy if you swing while close to them. I also really love the beam rifle, which is kind of like a plasma sniper rifle. The battle rifle is also excellent, leaving Combat Evolved‘s assault rifle in the dust where it belongs and I also rather enjoy tearing through Grunts with the SMG.
  • Level Design – One major reason why Halo 2 is so much more playable than Combat Evolved today is that they completely fixed my issues with the first game’s level designs. The way that levels are designed is far better at directing you to where you need to go next, to the point where I never got lost.
  • Graphical Leap – Graphics only matter so much, especially when comparing two twenty-year-old games from the same console generation, but it is notable just how much better the graphics of Halo 2 are compared to the first game (I played both games with original graphics, so their anniversary updates did not factor into this assessment). The character models are so much better and environments are all much more detailed than before, making the opening warzones and areas like the Covenant holy city truly awe-inspiring in open vistas.
  • “Blow Me Away” – As a big fan of Breaking Benjamin, the hype was off the charts when I was playing through Gravemind and this track started playing during one of the toughest battles in the game. You’d think that a post-grunge rock track might feel out of place, but no, it’s easily one of the highlights of the campaign.

Mixed

  • The Arbiter – One of the most interesting additions in Halo 2 is that you have a second playable hero: the Arbiter, the Elite who was in charge of the Halo ring that we blew up in the first game. A lot of the most interesting world-building and narrative beats comes from his perspective, as we get first-hand insight into the Covenant hierarchy and society. He also plays somewhat differently to Master Chief, getting access to an active camouflage system which encourages more stealth gameplay. That said, his levels suffer somewhat due to us not really having much investment in the fate of the Elites initially, as our concerns are on the fate of humanity. This improves over time, but it takes a while to really appreciate this side of the story. Arbiter’s gameplay can also be less enjoyable than Master Chief’s… I wasn’t able to find anything to confirm it, but I swear that Arbiter has less health and/or shields than Master Chief, meaning that you’re going to die way more and have to play much more carefully when playing as him. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not communicated well and, since you swap between the two characters throughout the campaign, the difference in health is going to throw you off every time you swap back and have to remember to play more conservatively again. It’s just kind of a bummer in a game that otherwise makes you feel like a total badass.
  • The Story – This is a true “Mixed” section for me, as the narrative of Halo 2 is extremely polarizing. It’s simultaneously one of my favourite and least favourite aspects of the game.
    • On the plus side, the presentation is way better. The opening sequence of Master Chief’s award ceremony, contrasted with Arbiter’s shaming, is downright cinematic and demonstrates that Halo has some of the best narrative presentation in gaming. In accordance, the narrative scope has expanded to the point where it is downright epic. We’ve got the fate of Earth hanging in the balance as the Covenant launch their final offensive on humanity, we’ve got Master Chief trying to stop a second Halo from firing, we’ve got Arbiter being sent to quash heresy and the getting caught up in a full-on Covenant civil war with three different factions involved. It’s extremely impressive stuff, especially for a goddamn first person shooter from the early 2000s.
    • That said, the way that this story is told is extremely confusing. The story is far more complicated, but the way that it is communicated to the player is often unclear, making it difficult to follow at times. For example, the first Arbiter missions take place on a second Halo installation, but the game takes a while to actually make this clear, and never really confirms if this is supposed to be the same installation that Master Chief and his allies are fighting on at the same time. Similarly, the Flood Gravemind just kind of shows up with zero foreshadowing or explanation. This is arguably the most dangerous being in the galaxy and we don’t really get any indication of what it is until very late in the game (hell, you’d need to use context clues to even clue in that this thing is a “Gravemind”). The way the game switches between Master Chief and Arbiters’ campaigns also doesn’t really help, as you’ll probably forget some of the details of what was happening in each campaign by the time you switch back to the other character.
    • Oh, and I’d be remiss to not mention the cliffhanger ending. I didn’t mind it, especially since I’m playing this game years after we’ve already had follow-up to it, but I can see how the story just suddenly ending with no resolution would be a problem for some people.

Hate

  • Energy Sword Lunge – As much as I love the energy sword, the way that its lunge has been implemented is a goddamn liability. Getting close to an enemy and then swinging will launch you forward in a lunge attack, even if you’re in mid-air. It’s really helpful and helps make the energy sword an absolute beast, but my God, you will launch yourself off the side of the map several times when you first get the energy sword until you come to grips with how it works. I swear, during the first couple Arbiter levels, I died more to the energy sword throwing me off the map than I did to Flood and heretics, combined. I did eventually get used to it around the time when the game stops having so many lethal drops around every combat arena, but it was infuriating for a while.
  • Weapon Balancing – Bungie were clearly aware of how overpowered certain weapons were in Combat Evolved, because the nerf bat has come for them. The shotgun is, sadly, the most nerfed. It’ll kill a Flood in one shot still, but it struggles to down Covenant outside of point blank range (and even here, you’ll likely need a couple shots to do the job) and its damage drop-off is pitiful. The magnum has also been made basically useless, and the plasma rifle’s damage is lower. Beyond general nerfs, there’s a pretty big gulf between the good and bad weapons in Halo 2. The brute plasma rifle, for example, is a weapon you never pick up unless you have no other option – it’s literally just the regular plasma rifle, but it overheats twice as fast. How exciting!

Halo 2 is a triumph. The original game was already acclaimed and revolutionary for its time, but Halo 2 absolutely blows it out of the water in nearly every regard. Everything has been tuned to make you feel like a total badass while playing and the campaign is simply enthralling. If Combat Evolved set the bar for quality, Halo 2 cemented this franchise’s place in gaming history. I’m so glad that I finally got the chance to play this game in full and I hope that I get the chance to relive one of those LAN parties someday soon to really enjoy that multiplayer carnage too.

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Love/Hate: Halo – Combat Evolved

Surprise! It’s time for a new love/hate series! As you can probably tell, we’re going to be diving into the Halo franchise, going over all the mainline entries and their campaigns. Multiplayer is a pretty major aspect of Halo, obviously, but I’m about 23 years too late to properly dive into these games’ multiplayer modes, so we’ll just stick with the campaigns for this analysis.

As for my history with Halo, I got invited to a LAN party at my church a couple times where we hooked up four Xboxes and played Halo and Halo 2‘s multiplayer. It was an absolute blast and, for many years thereafter, Halo was the gold-standard multiplayer game in my mind, unsurpassed until 2007’s Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. I purchased an Xbox 360 with Halo Anniversary several years later and tried to play through the game’s campaign, but fell off about halfway through before selling the system. Recently though, Steam had a huge sale on for the Master Chief Collection, so I picked it up and finally decided to knuckle down and play through this series. How do these games hold up today? Read on to find out…

Love

  • The AI – No, I’m not referring to Cortana here (although she is an excellent character). No, I’m referring to what was probably the most defining aspect of Halo for me: the incredible amount of personality that Bungie have baked into all of their NPCs. Grunts scream and run from battle when you kill their superiors. When you kill an enemy, they will fire their gun a few more times in a death spasm. Your allies will rage and unload magazines into dead enemies in revenge. These are just some of the more obvious examples, but there is just so much personality baked into the NPCs that it makes them feel like more than just bullet sponges. It’s even more impressive considering that few shooter games today even bother with these kinds of touches to make their world feel real.
  • Enemy Designs – Combat is so much fun in Halo because you can feel how well-designed the enemies are in these games. Each enemy type requires different approaches to defeat them: for example, Elites have powerful weapons and shield generators, requiring plasma weaponry to kill effectively before they obliterate your own shields, while Jackals have an arm-mounted shield which needs to be overloaded with plasma or bypassed with precision weaponry, grenades, or good ol’ fashioned melee. In addition, each enemy type has a very distinct silhouette, making it easy to tell who is who in the heat of combat. As a result of this strong design foundation, Bungie are able to mix and match enemies and environments to make for endless potential for fun encounters.
  • Large-scale Warfare – While Halo is primarily a corridor shooter, like many of its contemporaries, it does open up during a few levels (most notably in the second level) and allow you to engage in large-scale open warfare. These areas are always the game’s biggest highlights, allowing you to pilot vehicles, including the Scorpion tank and Banshee, or you can just hoof it on foot and use the terrain to your advantage. There are also multiple moments where you can choose to just sit back and watch the Covenant fight your allies or the Flood, which helps sell the idea of this huge war that you are just a part of. It’s wild to see this kind of ambitious design in an Xbox launch game!
  • The Lore – The actual plot of Halo is pretty basic: you crash land on Halo, rescue your comrades, and then try to figure out what the Covenant are doing here. What really makes it stand out to me though is how authentic and real it feels. You can clearly tell that the people who wrote it are military history nerds and they ensure that the UNSC characters speak and act like real soldiers. Add in the intriguing zealotry of the Covenant and the mysteries of the Halo installation and this is a world that feels positively lived-in, even in this first entry.
  • The Flood – No one who played Halo for the first time expected it to turn into a full-on horror game about halfway through, but man is it effective. It’s a cool twist which comes just in time to shake-up the gameplay and introduce several new enemy types to deal with, which function differently than any other enemy you’ve encountered up to this point. Plus, y’know, the Flood are an existential threat which really ramps up the narrative as soon as they’re introduced.
  • The Shotgun – Oh. My. GOD! In the pantheon of video game shotguns, Halo‘s is easily one of the most satisfying. This thing is a fucking beast, shredding Flood and Covenant alike in a single blast. Most weapons in this game feel kind of weak, requiring a lot of shots to actually kill anything, but it is so refreshing when the shotgun arrives and bucks this trend. You don’t get access to it until about halfway through the game, but as soon as it was introduced, the entire back half of the game for me was ride-or-die with the shotgun.
  • Weapon Variety – One of the most impressive aspects of playing Halo today is seeing just how unique the various weapons are. This was kind of par for the course back in 2001, but since video weapons became codified as “assault rifle/pistol/shotgun/sniper rifle/DMR/SMG/machine gun”, it’s refreshing to see weapons as distinct and iconic as the needler and plasma pistol. Even the assault rifle and plasma rifle don’t overlap – the assault rifle is purely a low damage, high rate of fire weapon, whereas the plasma rifle specializes at knocking down energy shields and will overheat if fired for too long. There’s simply no overlap for any of the weapons here and, given what I said about enemy design previously, they all have some strategic use depending on the situation you find yourself in.

Hate

  • Level Design – This is my biggest complaint about Halo by far, and it’s the reason I fell off the game the first time I tried to play. It took me months to slog my way through this game and that largely came down to how dull the levels can get at times. This is mainly due to the time-period in which Halo was developed, as you can see the DNA of early corridor shooters like Doom or Star Wars: Dark Forces with these maze-like environments. It’s especially bad because the levels in Halo are, ultimately, quite linear, but I was still managing to get lost because of all the reused assets and non-sensical level layouts which make it hard to tell where you’re going and where you’ve been. Making matters worse, Halo loves to just throw wave after wave of enemies at you. I remember reading the second Halo book, The Flood, and realizing it was basically a full-on walkthrough of the game when it would describe how Master Chief kills all the enemies in a room, then goes to the next room and does it again for another wave. For how dull that was to read, it was a pretty accurate description of how these levels often play out and, while the enemy designs keep things fun, it does start to get a bit much towards the end.
  • Vehicle Controls – As much as I love that Halo lets you shake-up the gameplay by driving vehicles, the actual controls are fucking dogshit, specifically for the Warthog. They are so slippery and unwieldy, causing you to crash into everything if you end up in a situation where you need to drive with any sort of precision. This is especially a problem because the final level requires you to race a Warthog through an obstacle course while a timer counts down. Suffice to say, I failed the first time I tried this and that was almost entirely due to the poor vehicle controls screwing me over.
  • Explosive Spam – Holy shit, the sheer damage and blast radius of explosives in this game is nuts. A single explosion is often enough to kill you instantly and can come out of nowhere, with even basic Grunts frequently hucking plasma grenades at you. You are going to die to explosions all the time, especially in the latter levels when enemies are unloading barrages of grenades, fuel rod cannons, and full-on rocket launchers at you.
  • The Assault Rifle Suuuuuuucks – So I did say that every weapon in Halo is useful in certain situations, but the assault rifle’s the closest we come to a weapon just being worthless. Unlike most video game assault rifles, Halo‘s is only good at extreme close range due to some insane bullet deviation. Even Grunts take most of a magazine at close range to kill, which is insane. The only situation where the assault rifle shines is in killing pod infectors… but that’s not that impressive, because literally stepping on them will kill pod infectors, and they do such miniscule damage that it’s barely worth wasting a bullet on them.

Halo: Combat Evolved is rough. I can see how it revolutionized the shooter genre and it still has some brilliant aspects that hold up today, but actually playing the game can be exhausting at times. Still, for all its rough edges, I’m glad that I finally got to experience this game for myself and live out my teenage dreams for real.

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My Favourite Magic: The Gathering Cards of 2024

Over the past couple years, one of my friends finally convinced me to check out Magic: The Gathering… and my wallet has been cursing him ever since. One of my weekly rituals is to listen to the EDHrec podcast, which recently had an episode about their favourite cards of the year. This got me thinking about what my favourite cards of the year were as well, which eventually lead to me sitting down and writing a full-on article about this.

Instant

And the winner is…

Sorcery

And the winner is…

Enchantment

And the winner is…

Artifact

And the winner is…

Creature

And the winner is…

Lands

And the winner is…

(Note: in the EDHrec podcast, Planeswalker was the next category. I have only two of the Planeswalkers released this year, Sorin of House Markov and Kaito, Bane of Nightmares. Really not enough variety to even have a valid opinion, but if I had to pick, it would be Kaito.)

Mechanic

And the winner is…

Commander

This category is solely made up of the commanders I built this year. There may very well be better commanders from 2024, but it would be wrong of me to say that the ones I built weren’t the best, wouldn’t you agree?

And the winner is…

And that’s the end! I hope you enjoyed this impromptu dive into the world of Magic: The Gathering! I don’t know if I’m going to make this an annual thing or not, but this certainly was a fun project for me.

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Ranking the Albums I Listened to in 2024

Welcome back to my annual music countdown! As is tradition here on IC2S, I go back through the albums I’ve listened to this year and then rank them from worst to best. Hopefully this list encourages you to check out some new music you may or may not have heard of before now!

There’s no honourable/dishonourable mentions this year, so let’s just get right into the countdown, starting with…

16) The Fall, Trapt

Trapt hold the distinction of having the worst album I’ve ever listened through, so of course I was going to have to see what the hell they were going to shart out the next time they released an album. The Fall certainly leaves a “great” first impression… I mean, just look at that cover, there’s no way this wasn’t AI generated garbage (just look at the face, hands, feet… what the hell is this?). For the record, Trapt put out an even worse AI generated cover for one of the singles from this album, so this is in no way unwarranted speculation.

Shitty AI art is one thing, but we’re here to make fun of the actual music. Okay, that’s a bit unfair – I actually heard reasonably good things about this album going in and, as I demonstrated with OMNI last year (or, hell, my very generous Left Behind reviews), my pre-conceived thoughts on an album don’t necessarily line up with my final thoughts. That said… this is Trapt. I had thought that Shadow Work might just be an experiment that went wrong, but no, The Fall sounds pretty damn close to what we got from Shadow Work. Now, to be entirely fair here: it’s not as bad as Shadow Work, but that statement sets the floor so low that “The Fall is terrible” is still an big improvement.

So I guess “lowest common denominator soft post-grunge” is just Trapt’s default sound now? I know it’s kind of a joke at this point, but “Headstrong” is what this band is known for. You’d think that they’d try to provide something for people looking for more music that sounds like that? Instead, we get track after track of whiny, toothless, lethargic, limp rock that blends together to produce boredom. Not since I was three years old has music so effortlessly put me to sleep like “Home” did. For most of the album, it’s just this – aggressively mediocre rock songs with no energy to them, and it makes for a completely forgettable listen.

…note: I said most. Yeah, I’m going to be somewhat charitable to Trapt here, because there were a couple tracks that I actually found myself enjoying. “Above It All” has an 80s pump-up pop-rock sound and energy to it. It even has a guitar solo! This track was fun, I kinda liked it. Then there’s “When I Get Better”, which just goes full pop and is all the better for just embracing it instead of taking a bunch of half-measures. These aren’t exactly song of the year contenders, and they’re not doing anything unique, but I could see myself legitimately enjoying these two songs if I gave them a few more listens.

But… yeah. That’s just two songs in a nearly hour-long album. They definitely rocket The Fall well past the level of Shadow Work, but it doesn’t change the fact that the vast majority of this album is just dull.

Trapt? More like… Crapt, amiright?

15) Doomsday/Here I Am/Learning How to Be Human, Manafest (Bandcamp… none of these albums are on there though…)

Earlier this year I had to re-rip a bunch of my CDs so I’d have better audio quality for the MP3s on my phone. In the process of doing that, I had to go over a couple Manafest albums and they reminded me that, once upon a time, he was making some legitimately good music. After a swathe of disappointments, I had sworn off giving his newer releases a chance multiple times, but after this recent listen of Epiphany and Glory I said “Y’know what? I’m gonna give Manafest ONE last chance to impress me.”

…and then I looked at Spotify and saw that he has released THREE albums in 2024 which, as far as I can tell, literally share 81% of their tracks between each other (that’s not even a joke; I did the math, 27 out of 31 tracks between these three albums are on at least one of the other albums… worst of all, Here I Am doesn’t even have one unique track).

Okay, so even if these albums end up sucking, it’s at least going to be an interesting story, right? As far as I can tell, it seems like he released a bunch of singles in 2023 and 2024 and then compiled them into Doomsday… and then made two more albums which compiled the previous album and then added a couple new tracks each time. These albums released weeks apart from each other and two of them even have the exact same album cover! As far as I can tell, Learning How To Be Human is intended to be the “definitive” album, but then the other two are classified as full-on LPs on Spotify and Album of the Year, so who the hell actually knows? It’s such a baffling way of going about things – I’m used to seeing bands release an EP with a few tracks from an upcoming album, but this usually is just a snippet, the tracks can often end up being different than the album versions, and it’s not unusual for there to be some unique material. Releasing basically the same album three times just makes no sense; good luck understanding this mess. Is it to game the Spotify algorithm, somehow? Do you get more listen time this way? I don’t get it at all.

Whatever Manafest’s reasons for re-releasing this album so many times, the resulting music is… fine. I mean, it’s Manafest – my expectations are already pretty low given how many times he’s left me disappointed, so at least my expectations were met this time, I guess? The music is at its best when Manafest is leaning into his classic rap-rock sound, where it at least has some energy to it (such as “Glitch in the Matrix”, “Here I Am”, and the “Doomsday” remix). It’s at its worst when he’s attempting to pull off a modern pop sound, which results in boring, limp instrumentation and flat vocals (“Back of a Church”, “HELP!”, “No Stranger To The Pain”).

I’m going to be charitable and include the unique tracks from Doomsday into my analysis as well (since I basically view this as one big album in my mind). These tracks include covers of “Crawling” and “In The End” by Linkin Park, “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes, and “God’s Gonna Cut You Down”. Unfortunately, these covers are fine at best. “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” fares best, with an aggressive, country-gospel swagger. On the negative end of things though is “In The End”, which suuuuucks compared to Linkin Park’s rendition. It exemplifies what makes most of these cover tracks fail, and that’s the limp instrumentation and flat vocals compared to the tracks they are covering, which robs them of much of their energy.

All-in-all, it’s another Manafest album. As soon as it was done, I found myself thinking “Well, I can’t imagine that I’m ever going to listen to any of this ever again”. Nothing here is necessarily bad like The Fall, but it sure as hell is dull and not something I have any interest in experiencing again. I guess that’s part of life though, you don’t need to keep forcing yourself to keep trying things that you just don’t enjoy anymore. I’ve been at that place with Manafest for at least a decade, and checking-in, I can say that I’ve made the right choice. Unless he has a big farewell album, or a universally-acclaimed comeback at some point, I really can’t see myself bothering to pay any more attention to Manafest ever again. Best of luck, Chris, and thanks for the memories; it was pretty cool that you signed my copy of Glory seventeen years ago.

14) Colossal Oppressor, Ten Ton Slug (Bandcamp)

Earlier this year, as I was regretting selling my copy of Toxrill, the Corrosive back when I started Magic, I came across this awesome album cover on r/metal. It was destiny, I had to give Colossal Oppressor a listen. Ten Ton Slug are, appropriately, sludge metal (think early Mastodon), with a heavy, aggressive, slow-tempo sound. The results are enjoyable and definitely worth a listen, but none of the songs particularly stood out to me. And… um… yeah, that’s about all I can really say about Colossal Oppressor. As you can tell, it didn’t leave a big impression on me and the fact that I’m struggling to put a paragraph together about the album should tell you all you need to know.

13) What Slept Beneath Tarvos, The Wise Man’s Fear (Bandcamp)

The Wise Man’s Fear return to the annual music countdown and this time they’re branching out a bit from their usual fantasy-metalcore themes: this time, they’ve ventured into sci-fi! While this is largely a narrative change, it has resulted in an eclectic mixture of new elements worked into their sound, including electronic music, more deathcore sections, and even a couple tracks with rap-metal influences. This results in some interesting tracks, the highlights of which would be “Obsidian Blade” and the title track. Unfortunately, my main issue with What Slept Beneath Tarvos is that there just isn’t enough here. This is an eleven-track album which lasts barely twenty-four minutes. Two of these tracks are mood-setting instrumentals and four are interludes, meaning more than half of the tracks here don’t really give us any meat to dig into. I’m not even sure if you can really classify an eleven-track release as an EP. Whatever the case, What Slept Beneath Tarvos is just too short. It leaves you hungry for far more, and that makes it feel disappointing. Maybe that’s just me being greedy, but the album as a whole suffers for it.

12) HAPPY, OCEANS (Bandcamp)

Since releasing one of my favourite albums back in 2020, OCEANS have been steadily releasing new music. Hell is Where the Heart Is represented a new chapter for the band, moving into a more nu metal-inspired sound, which also coincided with an increase in angst that led to some pretty cringy songwriting at times. HAPPY finds OCEANS leaning harder into the nu metal trappings, introducing some rap elements into the fold now. Unfortunately, this means that we get some of the cringiest music in their career with “SLAVES TO THE FEED”: “I’m sick and tired, this social media game is a charade / Fake personas, chasing fame, it’s all a masquerade / We’re scrollin’ through the timelines, dealing with our clicks / Validation is the drug, I’m breaking free from the fix”. As you can probably tell, HAPPY is largely about our relationship with social media and its effect on society and mental health. I’m very much receptive to an anti-social media song, but this kind of ham-fisted songwriting just comes across as dumb (contrast this with OMNI: Part I‘s artful approach to the topic). That said, I do find myself getting some guilty pleasure out of HAPPY: it’s extremely angsty, but in a way that feels sincere and the eclectic fusion of genres sounds good for the most part. This is definitely one of the messier releases of OCEANS’ career, but it’s still an enjoyable time.

11) Voyage of the Dead Marauder EP, Alestorm (Bandcamp)

As I’ve said plenty of times now, Alestorm’s career has been pretty mixed for the past several years. On the one hand, you know exactly what to expect of them – the issue is whether the new music they deliver actually ends up any good. Voyage of the Dead Marauder acts like a little slice of their career as of late and, thankfully, it is mostly successful. On the one hand, we have their more “high-effort”, “serious” pirate metal tracks, exemplified with the titular “Voyage of the Dead Marauder”. Then there’s the goofier tracks and, as a Canadian, I’m happy to say that “The Last Saskatchewan Pirate” is one of the funniest songs Alestorm has ever put together. Meanwhile, “Uzbekistan” carries on their tradition of globe-trotting adventures, landing somewhere in the middle between serious and an outright joke, although the resulting song is a bit middling overall. Then there’s the video game soundtrack nostalgia bait, “Sea Shanty 2”. Of course, this is also a modern Alestorm release, so it has to have another “LOL, obscene!” track, and this is filled out with “Cock”… which is about as lame as you’d expect. Look, “Fucked With an Anchor” came out seven years ago and this is, at least, the third time we’ve gotten an attempt at copying it; are Alestorm fans really clamoring for a new one with every album? All-in-all, Voyage of the Dead Marauder doesn’t break any new ground, but for $5 it’s a worthwhile buy, even if only for the title track and “The Last Saskatchewan Pirate”.

10) Pirates II: Armada, Visions of Atlantis (Bandcamp)

As I alluded to last year with Delain’s Dark Waters, I’m really hungry for some non-Alestorm pirate metal. I had checked out Visions of Atlantis’ Pirates a couple years ago, so I was interested to see what this follow-up would hold. Similar to Delain, Visions of Atlantis approach pirate-themed music through a symphonic metal lens, so if you’re familiar with that subgenre, you should know exactly what to expect: operatic female vocals, power metal vibes, string instrumentation, etc. In that regard, Pirates II is on the heavier side for symphonic metal, but doesn’t present anything particularly innovative. That said, there are some really solid tracks here, such as “The Land of the Free” and “Tonight I’m Alive”. If you’re getting bored of Alestorm’s extremely tongue-in-cheek take on pirate metal, then Pirates II should help scratch that itch.

9) Wake Up the Wicked, Powerwolf (Bandcamp)

It’s another year, so that means that Powerwolf obviously put out another album to milk their rabid fanbase. This time we get Wake Up the Wicked, which feels like a throwback to Blood of the Saints, in contrast to their last couple albums, which have been experimenting with the boundaries of Powerwolf’s traditional sound. On the one hand, this means that Wake Up the Wicked is not breaking any new ground – every song sounds like a Powerwolf song, it’s all very familiar. On the other hand, this is Powerwolf – they’re very good at what they do, and even with all this well-trodden ground, they’re still making really enjoyable songs, like “Bless ’em With the Blade”, “1589”, and especially “Thunderpriest”. All-in-all, it’s Powerwolf: if you like them, you’re gonna like this. If you don’t like them, there’s nothing here that you haven’t heard before.

Also, I feel the need to say that Powerwolf usually have some of the best deluxe albums in the industry, featuring entire bonus albums of cover tracks, either by Powerwolf themselves, or by various friends and peers. Unfortunately, Wake Up the Wicked‘s deluxe edition is underwhelming in comparison, only having a live album and orchestra versions of the album tracks. This isn’t nothing, but Powerwolf have set the bar so high that it feels relatively disappointing and is worth noting.

8) VERITAS, P.O.D. (Bandcamp)

As a long-time P.O.D. fan, it’s been sad seeing a band, which was once on top of the world, struggle for any relevance for nearly twenty years now. VERITAS marks the first time since at least 2012’s Murdered Love that P.O.D. has gotten an actual marketing push behind them, with several singles released to hype up the album. P.O.D. always does something different with each new release, but VERITAS sees the band leaning into their a heavier, more straight-forward hard rock side (in fact, their signature reggae elements are practically non-existent this time around). The highlight of the album is easily “AFRAID TO DIE”, featuring some of the strongest music and lyrics that the band has put out in the last decade, which has made it the band’s biggest hit in years. Other highlights include “DROP”, which is one of the heaviest tracks P.O.D. have ever put out (featuring Randy Blythe of Lamb of God, no less), “LIES WE TELL OURSELVES”, and “I WON’T BOW DOWN”. Other tracks are fine, but unremarkable, like “I GOT THAT”, “LAY ME DOWN”, and “THIS IS MY LIFE”. The album itself is barely over half an hour, so it doesn’t last very long (nor does it outstay its welcome). Overall, VERITAS has some great tracks on it, but they’re offset by an equal number of unmemorable tracks, making for a bit of a mixed bag in the end. Still, it’s heartwarming to see P.O.D. getting some recognition again and I hope that they can really capture that success when the next album cycle rolls around.

7) OMNI, Pt. 2, Project 86

I’ve had very complicated feelings about Project 86 and OMNI, but I went over those in last year’s album list, so I’m not going to repeat it here again. Suffice to say, we’re back for what is apparently Project 86’s final studio album, bringing another round of social media paranoia and heavy metalcore music. Unsurprisingly, this release is very much a “part two”, carrying on immediately from where the first album left off and making for a seamless double album listen. Pt. 2 is largely the same as the previous album, although it does differentiate itself a bit by not being bogged down by extended interludes, and is even heavier, angrier, and even more paranoid than the previous album was. Unfortunately, I’m still soured on Project 86 for aforementioned reasons, so while I can acknowledge that this is a solid album, I’m sad that I can’t enjoy it the way I’d like to. Maybe someday I’ll be able to look back on Project 86 with different eyes and, at that time, OMNI will stand as a beacon marking the end of an impressive career.

6) Stories to Forget EP, Words of Farewell (Bandcamp)

Words of Farewell have a pretty well-established sound at this point, putting out epic, industrial-tinged, melodic death metal. I’ve always enjoyed their new releases, and Stories to Forget is more of the same in that regard. From the opening moments, Stories to Forget is clearly Words of Farewell doing what they do well, but damn if it is not enjoyable. My favourite tracks here include “A Lesser King” and “Mono No Aware”, but you really can’t go wrong with any track on Stories to Forget. Also of interest is “This Mirage, My Likeness”, which is basically a cover of “This Shadow My Likeness” from their album A Quiet World, but given a very different sound which makes it an interesting companion piece. All-in-all, Stories to Forget is not reinventing the wheel, but it is an enjoyable little collection of solid music that is sure to please any fans of Words of Farewell.

5) Erebus EP, REMINA (Bandcamp)

Since REMINA’s debut album released in 2022, I’ve found myself drawn back to STRATA again and again as a go-to chill, melancholy, atmospheric listen. Suffice to say, I’ve been looking forward to their next project ever since. Erebus is a stop-gap release of sorts, songs that were produced as part of an upcoming album, but which did not fit with the album’s themes. Rather than discard them, REMINA decided to release them as their own stand-alone thing. As a result, Erebus does have a somewhat incoherent feel to it, but the tracks that we have gotten are solid. REMINA are clearly trying to expand their sound beyond the atmospheric, chill, haunting, cosmic doom they established on STRATA, which is best exemplified with this EP’s title track and “Siren’s Sleep”. “Cinderfall” hews closer to what I’d expect from this band, but “Siren’s Sleep” is really the highlight here. It has a more traditional doom metal sound to it and features male vocals which contrast well with Heike Langhans’ poignant voice. If this is what REMINA’s cast-offs sound like, I cannot wait for the full album to get into my hands.

4) LIFA Iotungard (Live), Heilung (Bandcamp)

The original LIFA is easily my favourite Heilung release: the live setting works so well for their style of ritualistic, Neolithic folk music. Naturally, when I heard that Heilung were releasing a second live album, I was excited to see if it could capture that same sort of energy. While I can say that, for the most part, LIFA Iotungard succeeds, there’s a couple nagging issues which make me enjoy it less than I’d like. First of all, the quality of the recording is a bit worse compared to LIFA, sounding like some of the performers aren’t mic’d up and are getting recorded from halfway across the venue. Secondly, there is a lot of overlap in the setlist between LIFA and Iotungard, with only four new tracks added to this set. If this is your first Heilung experience, then you probably won’t mind, but if you’re like me and have listened to LIFA many times over the years, it’s probably a bit disappointing, especially since new tracks like “Svanrand”, “Norupo” and “Traust” are major highlights here. It also probably doesn’t help that this was performed and recorded in 2021, long before Heilung released Drif, so their options for new songs to perform was more limited than it would have been if they had released a more recent live recording. Really though, this is largely nitpicking – LIFA Iotungard is a spellbinding listen from start to finish. If you have not listened to Heilung before, then you owe it to yourself to experience the hypnotic splendor of tracks like “Alfadhirhaiti”, “Othan” and “In Maidjan”, especially in a live setting like this.

3) CONCRETE JUNGLE [THE OST], Bad Omens

Since topping my list of best albums of 2022, Bad Omens have found themselves become arguably the biggest new band in metal, leading the charge for a new movement of pop-metal fusion bands. It’s kind of a cool moment for me, because I’ve never had a band I liked suddenly become popular. Interestingly, Bad Omens have decided to follow-up this success with an experimental album which gives me some hope for the band’s future. My biggest hang-up with The Death of Peace of Mind was always that I feared that Bad Omens would drop their metal roots altogether, but CONCRETE JUNGLE [THE OST] suggests a future where Bad Omens doubles down on the pop elements and the metal elements simultaneously, which is enticing to say the least.

CONCRETE JUNGLE [THE OST] is basically a three-part “expansion pack” to The Death of Peace of Mind, featuring new tracks, remixes, and some live performances, for a meaty, hour-and-a-half release. The remixes and live tracks are all what you’d expect, so I won’t labour on them, but the real meat of this release is in the nine new tracks (one of which is a cover of a song from the first Bad Omens album). These new tracks have a distinctly cyberpunk feel to them, weaving pop, metal, and industrial elements together in a way that just bores into your skull and stays there. My favourite of the bunch is “THE DRAIN”, which has an absolutely killer, heavy bassline which you can’t help but headbang along to. Other highlights here include the infectious “V.A.N.”, “ANYTHING > HUMAN” , and the heavy EDM stylings of “NERVOUS SYSTEM”. Really, for an album billed as an experimental supplement, CONCRETE JUNGLE [THE OST] is brimming with ideas and great music and makes for a great listen in its own right. Add in the fact that they also threw in an entire album of remixes AND an entire live album as gravy, and this release is just an absolute treat. I may have had some hesitation about Bad Omens’ future after TDOPOM, but after CONCRETE JUNGLE [THE OST], I can’t wait to see what the band has in store for us going forward.

2) Shining, Swallow the Sun (Bandcamp)

Since I discovered them in 2020, Swallow the Sun have become one of my all-time favourite bands. Their brand of doom metal mixes beauty and melancholy in such an evocative way. Their past couple albums have been grappling with the tragic passing of Aleah Stanbridge, the partner of songwriter Juho Raivio, which has clearly affected the band’s musical output. Moonflowers was particularly dour and depressing, but it seems like Swallow the Sun have turned the page for Shining. If I had to liken it to one of their previous albums, I’d say it’s closest to Emerald Forest and the Blackbird: it’s still definitely extreme/doom metal, but there’s much more of a focus on melody and catchy songwriting (“Under the Moon & the Sun” is probably the best example of this). Every track here is solid and easy to listen to, to the point where I’d argue that this is the most accessible Swallow the Sun album ever put out. So what are you waiting for then? If you haven’t listened to Swallow the Sun yet, then there’s no better time than now!

1) Welcome to Suffocate City, The Funeral Portrait (Bandcamp)

Earlier this year, one of my friends excitedly recommended me a song they had discovered. I decided to check it out and that was my introduction to The Funeral Portrait. I really dug their emo rock sound and hungrily devoured every song they had put out. They reminded me a lot of early Marilyn Manson, except not garbage and without the edgelord pontification. It looks like I got onto the train just in time, because shortly thereafter, The Funeral Portrait were an up-and-coming supporting act for big bands and they announced their first big album in years, Greetings From Suffocate City. About half of the tracks on it had already been released as singles, and they were all great, so I already knew that this was album of the year material for me.

Greetings From Suffocate City is just packed front to back with great rock tracks. “Holy Water”, “Greetings From Suffocate City”, “You’re So Ugly When You Cry”, “Happier Than You”, “Alien”, and “Generation Psycho” are all well-worth a listen and any one of them would easily be stand-outs on a weaker album. In my opinion, the diamond that shines the brightest is “Dark Thoughts”. This is the track that first got me into The Funeral Portrait. For the album release, they’ve turned it into a duet with Danny Worsnop, which compliments the track’s bluesy feel. It’s easily one of my favourite tracks of 2024, but “Voodoo Doll” is a close second, with a powerful message which is made all the better with the soaring guest vocals from Eva Under Fire. Greetings From Suffocate City is a triumph and I hope it heralds great things for The Funeral Portrait going forward.

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15 Best Movie Posters of 2024

It’s mid-December, so that means another count-down of my favourite movie posters of the past year! In case you’re unfamiliar with how this works, I spend the year trolling through impawards and collecting all the really cool, interesting and striking poster designs for 2024 movies and then narrow them down into a shortlist. As always, any poster released during the year is eligible to make the list, but special consideration is given to posters which are intended for mass distribution rather than posters which are intended to be limited-release, alternative, “artistic” posters. As usual, you can see the full-sized poster in all its glory if you click on the images.

Anyway, with those considerations out of the way, let’s get onto the list, starting with some dishonourable mentions:

Bloodline Killer is a badass title for a horror movie, and this poster is trying its damnedest to be edgy, but it just comes across as goofy to me. Maybe this movie is good, but this poster sure as hell isn’t making that case for me (also, that axe head is tiny).

OH FUCK ME“, I literally said when I saw this poster with Matt Walsh’s shitty, fucking face plastered on it. All that this poster makes me want to say, upon seeing it, is “yes, you are, you piece of shit”. That said: I’ve heard that the movie is not nearly as bad as it looks. I may, in legitimately good faith, check it out just to see if that’s true.

Yeah… they’ve made another one of these movies (two, actually, since I last covered the series). Unfortunately, God’s Not Dead 3‘s more moderate message was rejected by the audience, so they went back to full-on conservative circle-jerking for these last two movies. In God We Trust appears to be the most overtly-political of them all, featuring Pastor Dave trying to run for office… good fucking God, given how bad the other movies were, I cannot begin to imagine how awful this one will be. I am probably going to do another Retrospectives catch-up in 2025 covering all the new movies in existing Retrospectives series, so expect more suffering from me when I get around to watching this…

And with that said, let’s get into our top 15 proper:

15) The Wild Robot

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I’m a simple man. You put a cute fox on your movie poster, and you’ve instantly caught my attention. That said, these posters genuinely do a great job selling the movie: a sense of wonder, joy, and mystery with charming characters, reminiscent of The Iron Giant. Hell yeah, I’d love to see that, sign me up.

14) Twisters

Twisters made for a pretty good, back-to-basics summer blockbuster. Lots of excitement and mayhem, with a fun, Hallmark-style romantic drama at its center. These posters for Twisters do a good job of letting you know what you’re in for: the wonder and terror of nature, and how powerless our heroes will be in the face of it. Also, probably goes without saying, but the posters hearken back to the iconic poster for Twister, so it also promises to be a good time like that movie was (I’d say they succeeded).

13) Alien: Romulus

Even if you know nothing about the Alien movies, this poster for Alien: Romulus is uncomfortable. If you do know what a Facehugger does to you, this poster is downright disturbing. The overwhelming red gradient makes the poster eye-catching, while also feeling threatening and alarming. A very well-composed and considered poster all-round, does a great job appealing to Alien fans and general horror audiences too who may be less familiar with the franchise.

12) Destroy All Neighbors

This year’s “what the fuck is this movie!?” poster, Destroy All Neighbors is certainly eye-catching. Initially this appeared blasphemous – the guy looks and is posed like zombie Jesus. However, after a bit more analysis, I think the guy got electrocuted, which burned his face off? It looks pretty wild and wacky and it makes me kind of want to know what the hell is going on in this movie.

11) Despicable Me 4

I haven’t cared about Despicable Me since the first movie came out, but I will say that this poster is pretty cool. I like how they’ve composed the image: first you look at Gru, then the goofy minion trying to look like a badass, and then up to the baby. Really sells what this movie’s going for: a colourful, light-hearted, comedic, family-friendly spy caper.

10) Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga

While not as grand as some of the posters for Fury Road, I kind of like that Furiosa is going for its own thing here. Furiosa is posed like a saint in a medieval painting, a connection which is only reinforced by the adoring skeletons and war boys at her feet. The car parts everywhere remind the audience that high-octane vehicular action is at the core of this series’ identity. Having everything in the poster be made out of gold highlights this film’s turn into grandiose myth-making. It’s a very cool poster in its own right, the sort of thing you’d be stoked to mount on your wall, but the extra depth just makes it all the better.

9) The Apprentice

Admittedly, I didn’t want to put this film on the list. I was sick of Donald fucking Trump in 2017, I sure as hell did not want to see his stupid, fucking face when this movie came out, and the 2024 election results have just made me hate the idea of anything Trump repulsive. That said, when I had to make my list, I couldn’t help but begrudgingly accept that this is one of the best posters of the year. It’s appropriately gaudy, invoking the desperation of Trump to appear rich. Sebastian Stan looks perfect as Trump, to the point where I kind of want the movie to turn into Inglourious Basterds in the third act… Jeremy Strong looming over it all makes you wonder what part he has in shaping Trump as well. As much as I hate to admit it, this is really solid poster.

8) Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

I am happy to report that the latest Planet of the Apes film had some of the most visually-interesting posters of the year. I particularly like the center poster, which references the colours and composition of the original film’s poster, while also working in a destroyed cityscape and the main characters. I also really like how much they set the king ape up as a real sinister bastard. Considering that the previous films set the apes up as the good guys, it’s good to remind the audience that there’s going to be a shift in tone going forward, with the established moral lines being much more grey. I haven’t actually gotten the chance to see Kingdom yet, but these posters certainly suggest that it will be a good time.

7) Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

A new Monsterverse movie released this year and, once again, the marketing team was on-point, giving us some of the most visually striking posters of the year. While I do think that Godzilla x Kong‘s posters are a step down from their previous work, and they haven’t given us anywhere near the same number of absolute bangers, what we did get still looks really cool. Hopefully next time they step their game up a bit more, because I’d love to see Godzilla top one of these count-downs once more.

6) Art of a Hit

Like Alien: Romulus, Art of a Hit uses red to invoke threat and alarm. Unlike Alien: Romulus, I do not know what this movie is about, and it makes my mind brim with imagination. We’ve got five characters, presumably a rock band central to the narrative. The guitar is dripping blood, suggesting that this isn’t just a standard music biopic – some pretty nasty events are going to play out. The title itself is clearly a double-entendre, promising murder will be involved. I had never heard of this movie, but this poster legitimately has got me interested, which means it’s doing its job. Bravo, poster.

5) Back to Black

I do not particularly care about Amy Winehouse’s music, but damn, even I am impressed by how perfectly they’ve transformed Marisa Abela to look like her for this poster. I also appreciate that they’re being respectful here – they don’t invoke the a lurid, grimy side of Winehouse’s life here. Instead, they celebrate her at her peak, the best image of her that the public would have seen. Sure, it’s probably all in service of yet another Oscar-bait music biopic, but this poster is at least promising.

4) In a Violent Nature

Speaking of grimy posters, In a Violent Nature‘s posters absolutely deliver what you’d want to see out of a brutal, old-school slasher film. I especially like the first two posters, which use evocative, messy stills to invoke 70s grindhouse film advertisements. They don’t show too much directly, but the implications are all there that you’re in for a bloody, nasty time. The third poster is more modern and conventional for a slasher film, reminding me of the sorts of posters we got for My Bloody Valentine 3D. All-in-all, these are some pretty impressive posters for an indie slasher film, easily some of my favourites of the year.

3) Terrifier 3

Of course, as far as grimy, nasty, old-school posters go, it would be pretty hard to top Terrifier 3. True to form, these posters are fucking gross, which is entirely appropriate for a Terrifier film. I’m not a huge fan of art that is shocking and violent solely for the sake of getting people offended (Crossed, Cannibal Corpse’s entire discography, etc), but these posters are absolutely warranted in the case of Terrifier 3, considering that they intentionally market this franchise as “movies so shocking that only the most hardcore of audiences can make it through them”. The Christmas imagery just makes this even more offensive, likely intended to be evocative of the moral panic which occurred around Silent Night, Deadly Night.

2) A Quiet Place: Day One

In an industry inundated with meaningless character posters and Drew Struzan rip-offs, I am always a sucker for a good “simple” poster, which A Quiet Place: Day One nails beautifully. You will see the image and the warnings before you realize what movie is being advertised, due to the small title. In my opinion, this makes them much more effective. In addition, they also have some more subtle additional details about the film’s setting and the importance of obeying the “rules” to survive in this world. As for the last poster for Dolby Cinema, it’s very much an ad (the double-Ds take up more real estate than the actual movie being promoted), but I love how elegantly it communicates the importance of sound in these particular films. It straight-up sells me on the idea that, yeah, seeing this movie in Dolby Cinema would probably be the ideal way to go about it.

1) Longlegs

These posters for Longlegs perfectly combine my favourite things about a good subtle poster and a good horror movie poster. It reminds me a lot of 2018 best poster runner-up, The Clovehitch Killer, where the there isn’t really any one “thing” going on with it to tell you what the movie is about… however, the image is so beautifully shot and composed that it communicates far more than you might expect at first glance. The first poster is downright disturbing – why the fuck is she holding that knife to her belly?! That doesn’t look like the face of someone who is scared. The implications are profoundly unsettling. Meanwhile, the poster featuring Maika Monroe is just her reaction to something horrifying. We see that she has a gun, and she’s still terrified. Naturally, this gets your imagination going, wondering what she could have seen: did she see the end-result of the previous poster? I don’t know, but it is very effective.

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My 100 Worst Movies of All-Time (25-1)

25. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)

Kicking off our bottom twenty-five, we have another legendarily bad sequel, Jaws: The Revenge. Suffice to say, this movie’s as bad as everyone has said. Again, this is another horror sequel that just kills off its most famous characters, making Sherriff Brody die of a heart attack off-screen and then having his son, Sean, get killed by the shark at the very start of the film. It just feels insulting to the series’ legacy and is such a lame way to try to make us give a shit about Ellen Brody… that’s right, the main fucking character of this movie is the mom who is basically window-dressing in the previous films. This could work with a hell of a writer who tries to flesh out her character, but this is Jaws: The Revenge: of course we don’t give a shit about her. The film is just fucking boring, and rehashes the original film for most of the runtime, only a thousand times worse and with nonsensical plot developments which make the shark seem like it has psychic powers. I generally find that the movies most notorious for being bad are over-hyped: sure, they’re bad, but they were also famous enough that a general audience would recognize them. For the real bad shit, you usually have to look into the more obscure films which lack even professionalism. Jaws: The Revenge, on the other hand, is one of those bad movies that has well and truly earned its reputation. Like I said before: the 80s were a wild time for baffling, theatrically-released stinkers.

24. BloodRayne (2005)

Oh hey, BloodRayne has an entry in both my all-time worst games and worst movies list, what an accomplishment! Once again, we’re looking at a Uwe Boll video game adaptation “classic”. Despite its star-studded cast (which includes Michael Madsen, Billy Zane, Udo Kier, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez, Meat Loaf, and Kristanna Loken, fresh off Terminator 3, as Rayne), the film feels completely amateur on every level you can think of. It makes for an incredibly shoddy film, which attempts to create this huge fantasy epic, but with basically no talent, budget, or capability to do such a thing. It doesn’t even feel like this is a passion project for Boll, everything is just lazily done. It’s not even as laughably entertaining as some of his other, more notorious efforts either.

23. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991)

Even by the standards of 90s slasher sequels, Freddy’s Dead is just the worst. The film is so embarrassing: New Line Cinema clearly viewed Freddy Krueger as a global icon, and so they removed the last shreds of horror from him to give him more mass appeal. Instead, they just play up his one-liners, making him completely insufferable. The result is like one of those corporate mascots who is marketed as edgy, but they can’t actually be edgy or they’ll piss some people off, so they just come across as lame instead.

The film looks incredibly cheap, which is why it’s so shocking that they actually had a fairly large budget to work with. Its plot is also downright insane, immediately starting with the premise that, in a ten year period, Freddy has killed every single teenager in Springwood, except one. That is just monstrous and gets glossed over almost immediately. It also just suffers every pitfall you’d expect a bad slasher sequel to fall into (bad acting, bad narrative, tired formula, etc).

That said: Carlos’ death scene is still a solid, grade-A kill, and the one time that the cartoonish tone actually works for the movie.

22. Pompeii (2014)

I would say that this movie was a bigger disaster than the real-life eruption of Vesuvius, but that would be just insensitive, stupid and uninspired… oh hey, all of those words COULD describe Pompeii adequately though. Pompeii is clearly trying to be a mix of Gladiator and Titanic: a lowly gladiator and a high-born merchant’s daughter fall in love and try to evade her betrothed and survive the natural disaster going on around them, only to be met with tragedy at the end. Unsurprisingly, Kit Harrington and Emily Browning put in terrible performances as the lead characters. Only Kiefer Sutherland puts in an enjoyable performance, as he hams it up like mad as the primary antagonist. The actual eruption sequences are about as loud, CGI-filled, and over the top as you’d expect. The eruption of Vesuvius has a ton of potential for a great film, but you’re not going to find it here. Stay as far away as possible.

21. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

This… this movie did not get a theatrical release. In 1997!? No, there is no way they would do that. I literally am having to look this up as I’m writing this, because I do not believe it happened. Not with this level of quality. No, that is not possible, no one in their right mind would think that this movie belongs on a theater screen. OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT GROSSED $51.3 MILLION!??!

I legitimately think that the original Mortal Kombat is one of the best video game adaptations of all-time. This sequel is staggeringly bad, even by the standards of video game movies. The acting is abysmal. The narrative is nonsense. The special effects look horrendous. The fights are terrible. The sets and costumes look so fake. THIS MOVIE HAD A $30 MILLION BUDGET!?!?!!!?

It might sound like I hated Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, but I actually love it. It is a special kind of bad, one which is utterly unhinged and never boring. However, it is because of that love that I have to put Annihilation in the place it deserves: near the top of the worst movies of all-time list.

20. Dogman (2012)

I’ve long had a fascination with the legend of the Michigan Dogman, a werewolf-like beast said to roam the woods of its namesake state. So, when I found out that someone was making a movie based on the cryptid, I was immediately interested. Hell, I saw a copy of the Blu-ray of this movie at an HMV back in the day for like $30 or $40, but I was so interested that I almost went and paid that outrageous amount for it. THANK GOD I did not, because it would have been the worst purchase of my life. I’d love to say that Dogman is this plucky, indie film success story, but it is anything but that. The film looks so cheap that you could confuse it with a home video. The narrative is incredibly dull, with no suspense at all. The acting is below even amateur. Oh, and to make it all worse, the film just ends anti-climactically, leaving you feeling even more pissed off after all that. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it, but Dogman really left an impression on me that I vividly remember it for just how bad and boring it was and will often bring it up whenever I’m asked what the worst movies I’ve ever seen were.

19. Monster Hunter (2020)

Boy, Paul W.S. Anderson sure is getting a lot of spots on this bottom twenty-five list, isn’t he? I’m not even exaggerating when I say that Paul W.S. Anderson has to be the worst writer-director and producer in Hollywood these days. After ruining the Resident Evil film franchise, Anderson and Milla Jovovich turned their sights to another Capcom video game franchise: Monster Hunter… and, somehow, they’ve managed to make an even more insulting adaptation of their source material.

Now, I do think that Monster Hunter could make for an interesting high-fantasy film series if it’s confined to the world of the games and features a character learning to hunt these monsters that threaten civilization. Instead, Anderson goes for that lucrative US military propaganda money and makes this a dimension-hopping misadventure where a bunch of marines get pulled into a portal to a world full of monsters. Pretty much everything here sucks, particularly the direction and breakneck pacing. The film barely makes use of the Monster Hunter concept of preparing for the hunt ahead, which is nuts considering that’s entirely what those games are about. Instead, this is just another brainless Paul W.S. Anderson flick that will entertain only the most undiscerning of tastes.

18. Silent Hill: Revelation (2012)

Silent Hill: Revelation is staggering for how badly it captures the appeal of its series. The original Silent Hill is definitely one of the better video game adaptations (which is to say that it’s not great, but has some interesting ideas and captures the tone perfectly). It pretty much laid the blueprint for what a sequel would need to do: use the same brand of spooky, psychological of horror and aesthetic, but just have a stronger story this time and you’ll make a legitimately great film, guaranteed. Revelation didn’t give a shit about that. Released at the height of the garbage Silent Hill games and the 3D movie trend, Revelation discards its predecessor’s lessons entirely and instead dives face-first into a pile of shit. Gone is any attempt at psychological horror, this is just the most generic horror slop you could imagine. Seriously, this film is a total disaster: the writing, the acting, the special effects, the direction… everything. Like, I don’t want to be “that guy”, but I’m certain that even I could make a better Silent Hill film than this.

17. Alone in the Dark (2005)

Yet another Uwe Boll classic, Alone in the Dark gets us near the top of his game. Like BloodRayne, this film feels embarrassingly amateur. This can be felt the moment the film begins. Like, you know that a movie is going to be bad when it opens with a lengthy narration which explains the movie’s backstory. It just keeps going on and on to the point that it’s comical. Legend has it that this narration was added after test audiences said that they couldn’t understand what was going on in the film, which caused Boll to over-explain everything in response. The rest of the film isn’t much better, as it’s a horror movie that is direly short on scares. That said, there is one pretty cool moment halfway through where a bunch of soldiers have a shootout with a bunch of monsters in the dark, which is lit only by their muzzle flashes as they get swarmed. It’s the sort of cool sequence that makes the rest of the movie feel even more boring in comparison… like, you’re telling me you could have been doing that this entire time?

16. Vanished (2016)

Vanished was so bad when I watched it for this year’s Left Behind retrospective that it was legitimately shocking. It is just so cynical, stapling a gaggle of YA movie tropes onto a Walking Dead narrative, and then loosely tying it to Left Behind in an attempt to appeal to general audiences. That said, it’s hilarious that about 80% of this movie is a pissing contest between conservative evangelicals and conservative libertarians. That at least makes the movie kind of interesting, but the film is so badly made that it’s almost unwatchable. I legitimately think that Tim LaHaye was lying to his grandson when he said that he liked the movie, and the fact that he died shortly after watching it… well, I’m not gonna say that the movie did him in, but hopefully it left him with one more massive disappointment before the end.

15. God’s Not Dead 2 (2016)

God’s Not Dead 2 is a torturous watch. It’s the absolute worst example of the American evangelical Christian persecution complex in action, a propaganda piece which is so transparently cynical in its construction. Atheists are portrayed as a bunch of God-hating body snatchers who love nothing more than to ruin the lives of poor, innocent, put-upon Christians who never bothered anyone in their lives. The entire premise here is ridiculous, but even the filmmakers realize this, because after all their posturing about how the government and courts are biased against Christians… they end up siding with the Christians, because there’s literally no case here that can be made against them. The film doesn’t even make this out like there’s a big, clever twist that the Christians use to save themselves, it just fucking happens. Like… I can’t believe I’m defending Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist again, but at least that movie tries to justify its propaganda and persecution complex by having it be set in a nebulous near-future where the government has taken over everyone’s lives after an unprecedented emergency. Getting any enjoyment out of God’s Not Dead 2 requires you to be fucking deluded.

14. Fantasy Island (2020)

Oh, speaking of movies that shocked me with how bad they were… I wasn’t expecting much out of a Fantasy Island remake, but somehow this movie managed to be worse than I could ever have imagined. This is supposed to be a professionally-made film with big-name actors, an experienced director, and a great production studio, so how is this the result of all that talent!? The film is entirely bereft of any sort of scares or tension, which would be bad enough, but the writing is also incredibly dumb and the characters are paper-thin and uninteresting. About the only fun in this movie was when the two brothers were on screen because, while they were a couple of stereotypical “bro” types, they were at least enjoying themselves… so maybe I’m just jealous, because I sure as hell was not enjoying myself watching this shitty film.

13. Piranha 3DD (2012)

Piranha 3D is a surprisingly solid horror film, with some of the gnarliest gore I’ve ever seen in my life thanks to Alexandre Aja’s involvement. It’s also just really fun, bringing in creative kills, big set-piece carnage, and an unabashedly sleazy tone that we rarely get out of a big movie like this these days, all wrapped around a very competently told Jaws-like narrative.

Piranha 3DD attempts to double down on the sleaze, the humour, and the cameos, but the resulting film is so much worse than its predecessor in every way imaginable. The humour and sleaze have been pushed to a point where it just makes the film stupid… like, the first movie had a guy get his dick bit off and then eaten and regurgitated by the piranhas, so in the sequel we need to have more penis trauma, right? How do they go about this? Well, a baby piranha… swims up a girl’s vagina… Somehow she does not really notice that there’s a fish swimming around in there, and this piranha doesn’t do what every other piranha in this series has done up to this point. Anyway, she has sex with her boyfriend, who gets a piranha biting him in the dick for his troubles. How does he deal with this problem? If you said “he grabs a knife and cuts his own dick off!”… then congrats, you’re as insane as the people who made this film. That’s the level of contrived, tired bullshit this fucking movie is subjecting you to.

12. The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)

Speaking of bad horror sequels to Alexandre Aja movies which double down on the things their predecessor did, The Hills Have Eyes 2 left me fucking infuriated. The Hills Have Eyes remake (and the original before it) is notorious for having a character get raped by the villainous mutant cannibals. It’s stomach-churning stuff, but it’s shot in a tasteful way that really emphasizes the horror of the act and its effect on the women involved. Anyway, want to take a guess what aspect of the first movie The Hills Have Eyes 2 doubles down on? Yeah, the movie opens with a woman, who has been raped who knows how many times by these cannibals, giving birth to a mutant baby, and then is immediately killed by the mutants. Oh yay, cheap, mean-spirited sexual abuse and violence against women, just what I wanted… Later on, we also get a full-on rape scene after the cannibals capture one of the main characters. It’s infuriating, because the film makes you think she’s going to fight her way out before anything can actually happen to her, but no, right after she beats up her attempted rapist, a stronger cannibal immediately shows up and then he rapes her. Making matters even more despicable, the goddamn thing’s shot like a fucking porno.

The movie isn’t just shit for the ham-fisted and juvenile handling of sexual violence though. This movie attempts to follow the Aliens sequel template by having a bunch of marines fight against these mutants… but, my God, these are the worst soldiers I have ever seen on-screen. They act like a bunch of children in a Call of Duty lobby, rather than actual trained soldiers. I don’t care how much these cannibals know the terrain, they got killed by a dog and a pissed off nerd in the last film, they wouldn’t stand a chance against a squad of trained marines with guns. Fuck this piece of shit movie, I despise it.

11. Lost City Raiders (2008)

We are really scraping the bottom of the barrel now. Lost City Raiders is a TV movie about a bunch of Indiana Jones-style adventurers who look for relics after global warming has flooded most of the Earth. As you’d expect, the acting, effects, and narrative are terrible. Unfortunately, it also has a budget which would make a shoestring take pity on it. This film’s big MacGuffin is an ancient staff which is obviously made of plastic. At least it’s somewhat entertaining, but this movie is so painfully far from its ambitions that it’s downright pitiful.

10. Noobz (2012)

Man… 2013 was a different time. In a pre-Trump, pre-Gamergate, pre-anti-woke grifter world, Noobz legitimately seemed like an outdated portrayal of gamer stereotypes. Not even a year later, it would turn out that a large contingent of gamers actually were proud of being racists, homophobes, and general assholes and wanted you to know it. So… yeah, Noobz is basically Gamergate: The Movie. Even if that wasn’t enough to turn you off, the “comedy” here is awful, just a bunch of “edgy” stuff that sounds like it was cooked up by a teenager. Like… I don’t care how much you want to offend people, if the bulk of your comedy revolves around constantly making fun of a character’s life-threatening disability, and making fun of a character for being really obviously gay, you really need to diversify your jokes and get some actual fucking taste. This movie was pathetic in 2012. Now it’s just annoying in a world where fuckwits like Grummz exist to jerk off the losers who look at Noobz and think that it speaks to them.

9. Atlas Shrugged Part III: Who Is John Galt? (2014)

I really cannot understate just how badly made Atlas Shrugged Part III is. As bad as its predecessors were, you can at least tell that John Aglialoro and company were trying to make something good – they just were too inept to actually pull it off. However, after bleeding tens of millions of dollars on those movies, it feels like Part III exists only out of obligation and pure spite. Part III is cheap and shoddy to a shocking degree, to the point where I was constantly having to pause the film to take notes about some ridiculous detail I noticed. This happened so frequently that I ended up doubling the film’s runtime from all the notes I took. It’s not even like the film itself is all that interesting: it’s mostly just a bunch of time wasting to try to fill out a feature length and then get it all over with. The politics also get downright insane, ending with a scene where Dagny shoots a guard who would rather discuss a toddler’s understanding of the philosophy of free will rather than just get the fuck out of the way when told to… oh, and we’re supposed to think Dagny is righteous for doing this. If there was ever an indictment of Randian philosophy, there can be no clearer example than Atlas Shrugged Part III. It comprehensively shits all over the entire philosophy in both narrative and in its tawdry execution.

8. House of the Dead (2003)

House of the Dead is our final Uwe Boll entry and another shocking example of a movie that got a theatrical release. I legitimately do not understand how someone could see this movie and then say “people need to see this in theaters!” In a lot of ways, it’s an incredibly generic 2000s teen horror movie, but Boll packs in some proper batshit insanity which make this movie unintentionally hilarious. My jaw was agape so many times while watching this movie because I couldn’t believe that Uwe Boll had actually put something so ridiculous to film. We’re talking action sequences which are filmed on a turntable, so Boll can get copious amounts of slo-mo shots while the camera spins around the actors, and there are even sequences of the video game spliced into the film at complete random. While it may be easily one of the worst video game movies ever made, it’s also incredibly watchable and a lot of fun mock.

7. The Room (2003)

The Room is legendary for its poor quality and insane writing. The subsequent decades, and the release of The Disaster Artist, have pulled back the curtain on this film’s bizarre aspects in a way that actually makes the entire thing an interesting exploration of Tommy Wiseau’s own psychology. However, even with that in mind, The Room is legendarily bad for a reason and deserves every bit of its reputation, even if it is one of the most fascinating and unintentionally funny bad movies of all-time.

6. Teenage Zombies (1959)

Again, here’s a temperature check so you understand just how far down on this list we are in terms of quality: Teenage Zombies is a no-budget, Z-grade sci-fi movie from the 50s with basically no filmmaking talent to speak of. Hell, long stretches of it are shot more like a stage play than a movie… not for any stylistic reason, just because everyone involved had no idea what the fuck they were doing. The film also features the world’s worst gorilla costume, and the poor guy inside has clearly been given no direction, so he just kind of stands there awkwardly and wriggles around every once in a while as the camera just lingers on him pathetically. It’s not even particularly fun either, it’s just boring. A friend of mine actually bought this movie on DVD when we were in high school, and it turned out that the DVD distributor had inserted a softcore porn feature at the start of the film. I don’t know if that was just put in to try to try to sell copies of the DVD, but I am certain that that was infinitely more enjoyable than Teenage Zombies.

5. Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus was my warning to never again trust movies that sell themselves as “so bad it’s good”. This movie was infamous on release for its ridiculous scenes of giant sharks jumping out of the ocean to catch passing jet liners. These scenes are indeed hilarious… but they are also where literally all of the money has been spent, because they are intended to go viral and sell copies of the film to the morbidly curious. However, there are no funny secrets hiding here waiting to be discovered: it’s just a bunch of wheel-spinning and constantly reused CGI shots until they can get to the ending. I bought this for five dollars on DVD, because I figured it would be funny-bad. It wasn’t. It was soul-crushingly awful. They even forgot to key out the green screen at one point! Did literally no one even watch the movie before releasing it!? I’m not even kidding here, I want my ninety minutes and five dollars back.

4. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

Another legendarily bad “classic”, Birdemic is a surreal experience. It’s basically like if someone ripped off The Birds, but shot the whole thing on a handicam, hired the world’s worst actors, and then used literal animated gifs for the birds. There is actually a legitimate message here about environmentalism and love, so you can tell that writer-director James Nguyen really believed in this movie… he just has zero talent, so instead we get this. It’s also just really fucking dull for the first half, wasting so much time on a weirdly chaste romance that no one gives a single shit about… only to suddenly cut to a bunch of looping gifs of birds flying around and exploding. I nearly ran out of breath from laughing when this first happened, and some of the bird attacks are hilariously pathetic (they fight them with goddamn coat hangers!), but Birdemic is mostly just dull. Truly one of the worst movies ever made, but at least it made me laugh, which is more than I can say for…

3. Project X (2012)

I was not kidding back in the day when I said that I loathed Project X. A found footage film released at the height of that trend, Project X follows a group of teens who try to throw the biggest, craziest party of all-time. You’d think that this would be a formula for some fun hijinks, but Project X‘s cast of assholes make the whole affair insufferable. Costas is still the most infuriating character in cinema, up there with Dolores Umbridge in that class of characters that even Mother Theresa would murder with her bare hands if she met them. It literally nothing more than eighty-eight minutes of douche bags being douche bags, with no redeeming qualities. Even the party aspects aren’t that entertaining. Oh hey, it’s teenagers drinking, doing drugs, and… uh… pissing on each other and throwing Martin Klebba in an oven, because making fun of little people is always good for a laugh, right? Fuck this fucking piece of shit movie.

2. Scary Movie 5 (2013)

All of the other Scary Movie films were really bad, but they at least had the occasional laughs and the presence of such comedic talent as Anna Faris, Regina Hall, and Leslie Nielsen would help elevate the proceedings immensely. Scary Movie 5 has none of these qualities, making it a pathetic film to watch. The jokes are tired, stupid and go on for way too long. About the only good thing that I can say about this movie is that, for once in this franchise, at least it doesn’t lean into mean-spirited homophobia, transphobia, and making fun of people with disabilities… but, like, I shouldn’t have to congratulate the movie on that. The Zucker spoof movie was well and truly dead long before Scary Movie 5 came out, and the fact that this movie was still this bad after all that is just an indictment on humanity as a whole.

1. Howling: New Moon Rising (1995)

I cannot conceive of a movie worse than Howling: New Moon Rising. In every single way imaginable, this movie is abysmal. It is, allegedly, a werewolf movie which has more country music line dancing sequences than it does scenes with werewolves. The entire cast are extras… like, full-stop, there are no actors here. The film reuses copious amounts of footage from previous Howling movies in order to pad out its runtime. Nothing fucking happens in this movie until the last couple minutes, at which point we get the world’s worst werewolf costume and then the townsfolk immediately shoot it to death. There is literally nothing redeeming about this movie, it is pure garbage and makes the other Howling sequels look like fucking masterpieces in comparison.

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My 100 Worst Movies of All-Time (50-26)

50. Halloween II (2009)

Credit where it’s due: Rob Zombie tries to do something completely new with the Halloween franchise for this sequel and he brings his own unique vision to the proceedings. Unfortunately, that vision fucking sucks. The first twenty minutes are absolutely wasted on a dream sequence, which feels like it’s been shoved in by studio mandate just to up Michael Meyers’ body count. Rob Zombie also had to force his wife into the film, so suddenly the entire Meyers family is getting visions of their ghost mother trying to bring them all together (yes, even Laurie Strode, who hasn’t seen her birth mother since she was a baby). The film wastes nearly an hour and a half before Michael even gets into Laurie’s vicinity, meaning that most of the film is a bunch of wheel-spinning, toothless kills, and spending time with straight-up unlikeable characters. It’s a senseless, nasty, nihilistic film that makes you feel like you’re punishing yourself by watching it.

49. Scary Movie 4 (2006)

In my initial drafting of this list, I nearly put every single Scary Movie entry in my bottom one hundred. I binged them all a few years ago, and it was one of the most torturous viewing experiences of my life. However, I know that the first two are kind of well-liked, and I didn’t remember exactly what I disliked so much about them (other than them being dumb and not very funny), so I kept most of them off. That’s not something I can say for Scary Movie 4 though. I’ve actually seen this particular entry a couple times over the years, and it was significantly worse on a revisit. It suffers the usual Scary Movie problems (a disjointed plot which is just a bunch of popular movie scenes mashed together and made “comedic” in the lowest common denominator way possible), but this one was also really lazy and offensive when it got to The Village portion of the plot. Of course these fucking hacks will make jokes about Adrien Brody’s character being autistic. And Bryce Dallas Howard’s character is blind, so they’ll have her walk into a crowded meeting hall and take a big dump, because she can’t see! Haha, fuck this piece of shit movie.

48. Batman & Robin (1997)

I distinctly remember seeing this film in theaters as a child, and my God, upon rewatching it, is is wild that they gave this a major release in the 90s. It was a different time, I guess. That said, Batman & Robin is a pretty entertaining watch, due to its very campy, Adam West-style humour, hammy acting, and wild production design. While I definitely think that moving Batman to a grittier style was a wise choice in response to this movie, Batman’s kind of missing this sillier side to the character after all these years, so Batman & Robin doesn’t feel nearly as blasphemous in 2024.

That said… still not a very good movie. There’s a reason it’s still on this list, after all, but it’s one of those movies that’s entertaining in its badness at least.

47. Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf (1985)

Oh and speaking of entertaining badness and insane theatrical releases, the only explanation I can think of for how we got Howling II is this: copious amounts of COCAINE. This movie is fucking batshit, and the only reason it isn’t completely unwatchable is due to committed performances from Christopher Lee and Sybil Danning, and its legitimately boppin’ New Wave soundtrack. That said, what other movies are you going to find where all the werewolves have wildly different makeup effects, a dude’s eyeballs explode out of his head, there’s a furry threesome, and Sybil Danning tears her shirt open in a shot that is repeated seventeen times during the end credits?

46. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

The reasons for this film’s failure are well-documented, but to sum it up: The Cannon Group purchased the rights to Superman, brought back Christopher Reeve, Gene Hackman, and Margot Kidder, promised a big budget, and even gave Reeve creative control, which led to the optimistic nuclear disarmament plot. However, when it actually came time to make the film, Cannon suddenly slashed the budget in half, leaving them with a shoestring budget to try to bring this superhero film to life. The results were pretty embarrassing, looking significantly worse than the original film from nine years earlier (for that matter, don’t even get me started on how poorly it holds up to the bombastic action of Superman II). Even if that hadn’t been an issue though, The Quest for Peace would have been a letdown due to just being poorly written, easily as bad or worse than Superman III in that regard.

45. Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

Halloween: Resurrection is a bad movie in its own right, but it feels so much worse coming off of H20, which had been the first good Halloween movie in sixteen years. It’s like the Weinsteins made a good Halloween movie by mistake, said “Oops, gotta fix that,” and then immediately sent the franchise back to hell where it belongs. Resurrection commits the cardinal sin of bringing back Jamie Lee Curtis, putting her all over the advertising, and then kills her off in the opening minutes of the film. Oh, and they also undo the ending of H20 by making Michael’s titular resurrection one of the most ridiculous ass-pulls to force a sequel in cinema history (to be fair, this was planned at the time H20 was filmed, and you can kind of tell that that’s not Michael at the end of that film, but it’s so contrived).

And that’s just the first fifteen minutes! From there, Resurrection turns into a stupid, teen slasher movie which tries to riff on reality TV programs and livestreaming. The film is painfully early-2000s, with a kung-fu fighting Busta Rhymes, horror meta-commentary, found footage gimmicks, and a bunch of pretty, one-dimensional teenagers for Michael to carve up.

44. In the Name of the King 3: The Last Mission (2013)

I’ve seen a lot of Uwe Boll movies over the years. Most of his movies are utter shite, but occasionally you’ll get something from him which is borderline competent (Bloodrayne 2, Assault on Wall Street), or even good (Rampage… seriously, check it out), and you just want to give the guy a hug for pulling it off for once. One of those “good for a Uwe Boll movie” movies was In the Name of the King: Two Worlds, a decent action movie featuring Dolph Lundgren and Natassia Malthe (who I will always have a soft spot for due to her appearance in the best video game movie adaptation ever… also, a bit of a tangent here, but I have to give Boll major credit for keeping her employed, as she had been blacklisted in Hollywood by Harvey Weinstein after he raped her in 2008).

Anyway, all this to say, I actually had some hope for the third In the Name of the King movie going in. Unfortunately, The Last Mission feels like no one cared about it at all. Boll is clearly working on a miniscule budget, filming on location in Bulgaria with local, no-name actors, and over-utilizing an awful CGI dragon. Probably worst of all though, the film is in critical need of an editor because it has some of the most boring and drawn out action sequences I’ve ever seen.

43. The Santa Clause 2 (2002)

This movie deserves a special spot in my own personal hell due to how often my parents would put this stupid fucking movie on. I enjoyed the original Santa Clause as a kid, but this sequel was just worse in every way, with Tim Allen over-acting his ass off as an evil, toy Santa, an extremely contrived plot to force Scott Calvin to get married, and weird, talking reindeer who love to fart.

42. The Predator (2018)

The angriest I’ve ever been walking out of a theater may very well have been the time when I saw The Predator. I was pretty excited for this movie going in: it was being directed by Shane Black (fresh off of Iron Man 3) and featured Thomas Jane, Keegan-Michael Key, Olivia Munn, Sterling K. Brown, and Yvonne Strahovski? Colour me interested! Unfortunately, the movie has been butchered to hell and back by Fox, with some of the strangest editing I’ve ever seen (the way that Traeger accidentally shoots himself in the face with his back to the camera would never have been filmed this way if this was actually intended to happen). I do appreciate that it tries to do something a little different with the Predator formula, evolving our understanding of the Predators in an interesting way, but for every interesting idea there are a half dozen which are incredibly stupid. The new bounty hunter Predator is almost all-business, and isn’t nearly as interesting as the classic honour-bound Predators, or even the sadistic Super Predators from Predators. This new Predator just massacres anyone that gets in its way, which goes against the entire appeal of the character. Don’t even get me started on the idiotic characters, or the ending, which is so bad that I walked out of the theater saying that they either had to decanonize this movie, or Predator as a franchise was dead. Thankfully, it seems that everyone involved in the franchise agreed.

41. Halloween: The Curse of Michael Meyers (1995)

The title of “worst Halloween movie” is one that is fiercely contested, but I have to give the crown to The Curse of Michael Meyers. This is largely due to the film being butchered worse in the editing room than one of Michael’s victims, leaving the film largely incoherent. There are long stretches of the movie where stuff is happening, but none of it actually makes sense when you sit and think about it. The film also fails to deliver on the plot threads left dangling by the previous film, introducing the Cult of Thorn and then implying that it gives them power over Michael Meyers… for some reason. But that doesn’t matter, because Michael just decides to kill them all anyway. What an ignoble way to end the original Halloween franchise and Donald Pleasance’s career.

40. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

As bad as the third In the Name of the King is, the original is even worse for me, just due to how much more it has going for it. We’ve got a great cast (Jason Statham! Ron Perlman! Ray Liotta! John Rhys-Davies! Burt Reynolds! Matthew Lillard!), a much bigger budget, and some actual ambition on display. You can tell that Uwe Boll is trying to make this his very own version of Lord of the Rings, with some massive battles and there are even some legitimately cool moments, like the wizard’s duel in the finale. However, the film is plagued with utterly laughable dialogue, poor editing, bad acting, and a crappy script. It’s good for a few belly laughs, but after the first hour it just turns into an utter slog. This is one of those movies that’s only two hours, but feels like it’s nearly twice that length. Worst of all, one of my friends used to say that this movie was actually good, so I went in with some actual expectations, only to have them quickly melt away.

39. Against the Dark (2009)

I can’t remember if one of my roommates in university recommended this movie to me back in 2009, but I decided to check it out and was floored by how bad it was. It’s a blatant ripoff of I Am Legend, featuring Steven Seagal’s bitch ass occasionally fighting vampires, with basically no budget and TV movie production values. Suffice to say, it fucking sucks (and no, that’s not even intended to be a pun, this movie doesn’t even deserve puns).

38. Battle of the Bulbs (2010)

Battle of the Bulbs is a total piece of crap TV Christmas movie. Most of these low-budget Christmas movies feature terrible acting, a generic plot, and a totally forced resolution, but Battle of the Bulbs is so much worse and more predictable than you are imagining. My family are obsessed with these formulaic, Hallmark Christmas movies, to the point where they watch them year-round, so I’ve seen plenty of them. With that in mind, I can definitely say that Battle of the Bulbs is the worst Christmas movie I can ever recall seeing.

37. Atlas Shrugged II: The Strike (2012)

As bad as the first Atlas Shrugged movie was, part two is so much worse. At least the first part had the decency to just be cheap and boring, but part two doubles down and hammers you over the head with its shitty politics. To be fair, the movie has much higher production values, and Samantha Mathis put in a legitimately good performance as Dagny Taggart (despite a few shaky line deliveries), actually managing to make her feel sympathetic. Unfortunately, the film’s still shoddily made, has some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen in a professionally-made movie, and most of its runtime is spent preaching at the audience to make sure they “get” the message rather than actually moving things forward. The politics are just plain stupid here, and I don’t even mean that in a biased way: I mean that you have to be a fucking moron to believe that America would ever implement something like the “Fair Share Law” or “Directive 10-289”, but that’s the sort of idiocy you have to float to make Objectivism seem morally justified.

36. I, Frankenstein (2014)

Some movies are so fundamentally flawed that you have to wonder how they even managed to get greenlit, let alone released. As you may have guessed, I, Frankenstein is one of those movies. The film is basically Frankenstein mixed with Underworld, and even features the writer of the Underworld films (and is co-written and directed by the guy who wrote the Pirates of the Caribbean movies and Collateral!?). The film is just ridiculously stupid at all levels. Maybe with a light tone it could have been enjoyable, but I, Frankenstein is embarrassingly self-serious, features Syfy channel-level production values, and makes you generally feel pity for the actors who ended up trapped making it.

35. Osombie (2012)

Man… 2012 was a wild year. America was fresh off of assassinating Osama bin Laden, and some chuckle fucks thought that it would be a great idea to make a movie where he comes back to life as a zombie and leads a zombie jihad. In case it wasn’t obvious, the film was pretty offensive considering that American soldiers and Afghanis were still dying in the War on Terror at the time. The only nice thing I can say about this movie is that the make-up and cinematography are pretty good considering the budget. Otherwise, this movie is dumb as dirt – you can tell that it’s the ramblings of a bunch of Call of Duty/Nazi Zombie players put to film. The “special forces” characters are stupid, and the civilians are somehow even stupider. It’s not even all that fun, campy, or over-the-top to compensate for this.

34. Paintball (2009)

The first review I ever published on IC2S was for this really shitty horror movie about a bunch of doofuses who go paintballing and find themselves getting killed one-by-one by a lone mercenary. Every good idea this film has gets completely wasted. Most egregiously, the characters are assembling parts for a paintball grenade launcher that fires acid-filled paintballs, but when they finally get all the pieces, it doesn’t fire. What the hell kind of bullshit writing is that, especially given how boring the rest of the movie is!?

33. Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988)

Howling IV is another victim of severe budget cuts. Originally intended as a more faithful adaptation of the novel, Howling IV had basically all its funding pulled just prior to filming, meaning that the cast and crew had to work with the smallest filming budget known to man. Unfortunately, this means that what we do get is fucking boring, with basically nothing happening for 90% of the runtime. When stuff does finally start happening at the very ending, it’s still a far cry from the original film in terms of quality (and I don’t even particularly like The Howling, so that’s saying a lot). Romy Walthal also puts in perhaps the worst lead acting performance I’ve ever seen, which is a feat considering this franchise’s pedigree.

32. Beyond Loch Ness (2008)

With Beyond Loch Ness, we’ve hit the point on this list where awful TV movies reside. Beyond Loch Ness sees the Loch Ness Monster coming to North America to snack on locals in surprisingly gory fashion. It’s laughably bad all-round, and the special effects are definitely what you’d expect from a TV movie, but at least it’s somewhat entertaining to make fun of.

31. Evil Bong (2006)

Man… this movie. I don’t even know where to start with it. Despite their miniscule budgets, Full Moon Features have made some reasonably ambitious stuff over the years (I watched this in a double-feature with Trancers, which was a pretty good time!), but Evil Bong is the polar opposite of ambition. Hell, it’s downright lethargic. The film is shot like a sitcom, with basically everything taking place in a one room apartment. The characters just mill about and get high, while the titular Evil Bong offs them one-by-one. We get some cameos by Tommy Chong and Full Moon Features regulars, and there’s some dancing strippers in the Evil Bong’s dream world to give the audience something to look at. It’s all just… so dumb. I was high when I watched this movie, and even then I was just sitting there thinking “what the fuck am I watching?” Clearly, no one involved gave a single shit when they made Evil Bong, they just filmed enough improvised bullshit to get to feature length, and then called it a day.

30. Game Over, Man! (2018)

This movie might have been the point where I just started to assume that “Netflix Original” meant “this movie is a stinking garbage pile that will give you cancer if you so much as sniff it”. I thought that the premise sounded intriguing: it’s a “homage” to Die Hard, starring three slackers trying to pitch their get their video game concept to an influencer who is staying at the hotel when terrorists break in and take everyone hostage. Unfortunately, within the first five minutes, we’ve got a cornucopia of cringy semen and closeted gay jokes, which make up the bulk of this film’s attempts at humour. Like… picture this scene: the terrorists are about to find the slackers, so they need to come up with a plan to slip past them. Two of them basically just hide behind the curtains, and the third pretends that he died of auto-erotic asphyxiation by hanging himself in the closet with his dick out. The two henchmen find him and… turns out they’re gay, so this causes them to want to fuck on the bed in front of him!?!!! Oh, and this also means that we get Adam Devine running around with his dick out for the next five minutes, which didn’t do it for me, but maybe that’s a plus for some of y’all. There are a few laughs to be had, especially when the film really does push the envelope (I legitimately laughed when the terrorists try to humiliate the influencer by forcing him to eat another man’s ass out, only for him to go whole hog into it, to everyone’s enjoyment), but for the most part, Game Over, Man! is either lowest-common-denominator levels of cringe or outright offensively bad.

29. Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)

I recently went into excruciating detail about why this movie is so bad, but here’s the TLDR: it’s boring as fuck. To be fair, the book it’s based on also sucks, but at least it had the good grace to end with a big, exciting war. This movie doesn’t even have that, so it’s just ninety minutes of wheel-spinning and low-stakes drama, with awful evangelism tactics, and the worst romantic misunderstanding subplot I’ve ever seen. I fucking hated Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist, so the fact that this movie is much further down on this list should really say something about how dire a watch it is.

28. The Cloverfield Paradox (2018)

The Cloverfield Paradox is, to date, the biggest movie disappointment of my life. A friend and I both really loved the first two Cloverfield movies, so we were excited to watch this movie when it shadow dropped during the Super Bowl. We had heard initial impressions that it wasn’t very good… but, c’mon, it’s a Cloverfield movie, how bad can it really be?

Turns out… really, really bad. To put it simply, in The Cloverfield Paradox, shit just happens for no reason. You either go with it, or the entire thing falls apart immediately. The movie sets everything up like we might get an explanation or reasoning for what’s happening. Why is a woman suddenly embedded in the walls? Why does the ship’s worm colony suddenly appear inside a dude and kill him? Why does a dude’s arm get detached and then start moving on its own volition? The answer: just fucking because. There’s no real rhyme or reason: they just went to an alternate dimension and everything is completely fucky here. I think there’s a reality wherein this could be satisfying, but here it just becomes frustrating, as nothing makes any fucking sense and is just there to look cool or spooky. As usual for J.J. Abrams, the mystery of it is most of the actual appeal, so the fact that there is no actual mystery is just a piss-off. Meanwhile, the entire time this is happening, we’ve got a gargantuan Cloverfield monster fucking up Earth and we don’t even get to see this until the final shot of the film, which is just infuriating. I hate this movie with every fibre of my being. It took a bourgeoning franchise of critically-acclaimed, loosely-connected, sci-fi originals and completely destroyed it in one, single movie. How do you fuck up an entire franchise that badly!?

27. Troll 2 (1990)

Troll 2 is legendarily bad, and as funny as it is, it definitely deserves its reputation as one of the worst movies ever made. I saw it in theaters as a double-feature with Best Worst Movie, and I even got to meet George Hardy, so I was primed to enjoy its brand of insanity. It did not disappoint. The film is a combination of low budget, bad acting, and legitimately weird writing, all of which is made worse due to a severe language barrier for the director, which makes everything in the film utterly bizarre to witness.

26. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre is an utter embarrassment and easily the worst movie in a franchise notorious for its bad sequels. Despite being written and directed by one of the co-creators of the original film, it completely misunderstands why the original film was so resonant back in 1974. The film makes all sorts of meta-commentary about bad horror sequels, but this falls completely flat because the film itself is even worse than most other bad horror sequels (which is saying a lot). This is largely due to the baffling script, which features the Illuminati controlling the Sawyer family to try to get them… to scare people, I guess (it’s stupid). About the only thing making this movie watchable is Matthew McConaughey’s unhinged performance as Vilmer, which isn’t exactly good, but it is certainly memorable for how over-the-top he gets.

And that’s it for part two. If you’re reading this the day it comes out, then my list of the 25 worst movies of all time will be out tomorrow!

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My 100 Worst Movies of All-Time (100-51)

Rounding out this new series of favourite and least favourite media, we have my list of the one hundred worst movies of all-time. Films here have earned their placement based on how badly-made they are, if I’d ever want to watch it again, and how much I personally despise the film in question. There are actually quite a few movies on here that I think are extremely entertaining, and I will mention this when it’s relevant, but I have put more weight on their general quality than how enjoyable they are. And, again, these are all very subjective opinions and can only really be based on the movies I personally have seen. Got it? Let’s get into it.

100. Big, Bad Wolf (2006)

Werewolves are my favourite movie monsters, so I will admit that some of my distaste for this film stems from how they handled the central monster. There are two really big negatives here. First of all, the werewolf talks a lot. He is a joker who gives Freddy Krueger a run for his money in terms of all the bad jokes he spouts. Secondly, this werewolf likes to rape women. This film’s pretty notorious for being the one where the werewolf rapes people, and you know that they lean into the exploitation aspect of that. There are a couple pretty prominent scenes of rape and sexual assault, which just makes the film all that more unpleasant to watch, especially when it’s also trying to be comedic.

99. Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker (2019)

I don’t think there’s ever been a movie I watched more out of obligation than The Rise of Skywalker. By the time it released, I was already sick of Star Wars due to the fanboy discourse around The Last Jedi. Then, when I found out that The Rise of Skywalker was undoing all the “unpopular” elements of The Last Jedi, it made me even more hostile going in. The main thing that I liked about The Last Jedi was that it was setting up a future for Star Wars to tell new stories, instead of just rehashing the greatest hits, so it seemed like The Rise of Skywalker was just going to be more half-assed original trilogy homages. I walked into that theater, but I didn’t do so with any excitement – it was Star Wars, so I had to see it. I could have been watching Knives Out, Jumanji, or goddamn Cats instead!

While this obviously coloured my opinion on the film, there were plenty of other things that really fell flat: an insultingly-dumb narrative, breaking the rules of the Star Wars universe constantly, twists that feel completely unearned, emotionally manipulative attempts to tug at your nostalgia strings… the list goes on.

This movie just makes me feel empty. It’s by far the worst Star Wars movie ever made. I don’t even consider it canon, I’ve basically deleted it from my mind, to the point where I get genuinely surprised when I’m reminded of its existence.

98. The Babysitter: Killer Queen (2020)

I had extremely low expectations for the original Babysitter film, but the premise sounded funny enough that I gave it a shot. I was actually pleasantly surprised by how fun it was, largely thanks to the fantastic lead performance by Samara Weaving. When I found out that they were going to make a sequel without her, I was hesitant, but figured I’d give it a shot again. Unfortunately, Killer Queen is a half-baked, self-referencing rehash of the original. I’ll give Emily Alyn Lind credit for trying to be a fierce villain, but she’s no Samara Weaving.

97. Battlefield Earth (2000)

One of the most notoriously bad movies ever made, Battlefield Earth is largely remembered for being terrible due to its ties to Scientology. If you’ve actually seen the film, you will know that it is extremely campy. It also just looks and feels weird, being shot near-entirely in Dutch angles. That said, I feel like Battlefield Earth‘s notoriety is more due to its prominence and political leanings than its actual qualities. The movie is pretty terrible (hence its placement on the list), but it is also bad in an entertaining, expensive, professionally-made way. You could certainly do a whole lot worse, as you will soon see…

96. An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)

An American Werewolf in London‘s most hailed aspect was its amazing practical effects, so why the fuck did they think that a fully-CGI werewolf would be acceptable for its sequel? Bear in mind that this was done using 1997 CGI (that is to say, it looks worse than most modern made-for-TV movies). The film also seems to have misunderstood the comedic elements of its predecessor, attempting to go for a much more over-the-top tone, which is just grating.

95. Atlas Shrugged: Part 1 (2011)

This first Atlas Shrugged adaptation fails, not so much due to its deluded politics (the most offensive of which are toned down quite a bit), but due to being incredibly boring, cheap, and poorly-made. The film is all “tell, don’t show” and my God does it want nothing more than to go on didactic rants. There’s not even a payoff, since this is very much a “part one” movie, making it an even more inessential watch if you’re not prepared to strap in and watch its even worse sequels…

94. Ouija (2014)

Few horror movies are as limp as Ouija. It features dull characters, terrible attempts at scaring the audience, a toothless PG-13 rating, and is just plain boring to top it off. It’s a bad movie, and not even in a fun way, which makes it all the more shocking how good its prequel turned out (and makes this movie’s quality all the more offensive).

93. The Happytime Murders (2018)

I wanted to like The Happytime Murders. A goofy, raunchy, puppet-based cop comedy sounds like a good time. Furthermore, Melissa McCarthy gets too much hate; this seems like the sort of project she could do well in. Unfortunately, The Happytime Murders is just… stupid. It’s the most cliched cop movie premise you could ask for, with the only original thing being its puppet gimmick that it assumes will let it get by. Instead, it quickly turns into a one-note joke in a film which is direly short on laughs (we get it, it’s another puppet having sex and doing drugs, do you have any other jokes?). Hell, Melissa McCarthy barely even makes an impression, good or bad. She’s just “here” filling a role literally anyone else could have. Like a puppet without a master, the film is nowhere near good enough to hold itself up when its only gimmick is running this thin.

92. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

A Nightmare on Elm Street seems like it should be a decent remake. Jackie Earl Haley is great casting for the new Freddy, it’s got an early performance from Rooney Mara, and it explores new ground with sleep deprivation and how that could bring nightmares into the waking realm, making Freddy even more unavoidable. Unfortunately, A Nightmare on Elm Street does one of my least favourite 80s tropes: “what if Satanic Panic, but real?” Considering that the Satanic Panic ruined several lives over a moral panic that was entirely fictional (not to mention that it made nerds and metalheads social pariahs for more than a decade), I hate seeing this concept get legitimized… and that’s not even getting into how they explicitly made Freddy a pedophile here. It works for the character, but my God, when they make it an overt part of the plot, it does not make him enjoyable to watch. Really though, the worst part of A Nightmare on Elm Street is how dull and formulaic it is, which is a real shame, because the original films are some of the most creative slashers in the entire industry.

91. Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

I often hear people saying that the only good Resident Evil movies are the first one and Apocalypse. These people are dead wrong. I can only imagine that they watched them once when they were young and haven’t seen them in at least fifteen years, because Apocalypse suuuuuucks (and so does the first Resident Evil movie, but it’s good enough at least to not end up on this list). This was the start of the “Alice is a Mary Sue” trope in these movies, and every other character ends up being upstaged by her, or they are just worthless to the narrative. The action isn’t even all that good either, thanks to the weak direction.

90. Friday the 13th: Part III (1982)

Friday the 13th: Part III is close to being enjoyable thanks to its cast of memorable weirdos (Shelly, the biker gang, the annoying hillbillies, fuckin’ Chili), some gnarly kills, and Chris is probably my favourite final girl in the entire franchise. However, the film really falls flat due to being a really dull rehash of the previous two films (which also weren’t that great for that matter). The directors of these films seem to think that tension is built by having characters dick around for several minutes until something happens, but in this movie they forgot that they probably should have these characters, y’know, actually do something. Instead, we get scenes like the bikers frolicking aimlessly in a barn for minutes on end when they’re supposed to be prepping for a vengeful arson. The film also was shot in 80s 3D, so it looks pretty embarrassing today. This is the sort of film that’s more enjoyable as a series of highlight clips on Youtube than it is as an actual viewing experience.

89. Fantastic 4 (2015)

Josh Trank’s much-maligned superhero reboot feels like it has executive meddling all over it. It’s interesting, with ambitions to be a gritty, morally grey, body-horror-inspired take on the material. Unfortunately, what we get here is half-baked, messy, and fails to capitalize on any potential in the premise, ultimately making the whole affair feel pointless.

88. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies should have been so simple: take the, er, skeleton of Pride and Prejudice and then add some over-the-top zombie action between the romantic drama. Instead, the film opts for an excessively-serious take on Pride and Prejudice with some scenes and lines changed to add in zombies, which makes them feel perfunctory rather than a key part of the story (imagine that). Oh and then add in that this is a wannabe-gory zombie film that’s being neutered by a PG-13 rating, so you can’t even get any visceral thrills to stave off the boredom. Add it all up and you’ve got a boring, one-note slog that it should have been a slam-dunk fun time at the movies.

87. Assassin’s Creed (2016)

Assassin’s Creed had all of the potential in the world, from its cast, to its production values, to the unusually strong narrative of its video game source material. Unfortunately, it’s all completely wasted on a script which strips out all of the mystery and intrigue of the games, spends 90% of its dialogue reiterating the exact same dialogue about free will over and over again, and is just plain dull. I would love to find out where exactly this project was screwed up, because there was so much potential for a great movie here that the fact that they missed by so much is a crying shame.

86. A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

A Good Day to Die Hard is, frankly, a really sad end for this storied franchise. Say what you will about some of the other Die Hard sequels, but this is the only one that is outright bad, with weak action sequences, a script by Skip Woods (that is to say: full of complicated political intrigue that does not translate well to a fast-paced action movie, making the whole thing seem dumb as all hell), and poor chemistry between Bruce Willis and Jai Courtney. Hell, even John McClane is annoying in this movie, which is a sentence that should never have to be written, but here we are.

85. Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)

I’ve been watching the Hellraiser sequels this year and, thus far, they haven’t been nearly as bad as I had heard. I legitimately kind of like the wild ambition of Bloodlines, and Inferno and Deader are way better and more interesting than they have any right to be. However, that cannot be said of Hellseeker, which is an absolute slog of a film. The film commits multiple deadly cinematic sins, most notably that it brings back original final girl Kirsty Cotton, only to kill her off in the opening minutes. Instead, we spend the rest of the runtime with her boring-ass husband, Trevor, who just looks constantly confused. The next hour and a half are spent in explicit dream logic, with no way to tell what is really happening and what is not, or when scenes shift from reality to fiction. This might sound like it could be spooky or leaves the film up for interpretation, but it’s not that deep. Instead, it just gets fucking annoying, causing me to stop caring about what is happening, because the film sure as hell doesn’t want me to invest in any of it. It doesn’t help that this movie came after the much better-executed Inferno and is clearly drawing inspiration from it, meaning that the reason for all this dream logic is pretty obvious if you had seen that film already.

84. Hellraiser: Hell on Earth (1992)

As bad as Hellseeker is, Hell on Earth definitely takes the cake as the worst Hellraiser I’ve seen (so far). You can feel the Weinsteins’ fingers all over this movie, forcing bigger body counts for Pinhead and the Cenobites to turn them into more traditional slasher villains. Those Cenobites, by the way, are just embarrassing this time around, with some of the ugliest designs in the entire franchise. All this results in a film which just does not work. The characters suck, the attempts to expand the mythology suck, the script sucks… everything just sucks here.

83. Wrath of the Titans (2012)

Despite its success, the Clash of the Titans remake was pretty bad, getting by from Liam Neeson saying “Release the kraken!” and being the first big 3D movie released after Avatar. I figured they’d try harder to justify a sequel, but somehow they managed to make a film which was even dumber and more generic than its predecessor (which is a feat in itself).

82. Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Retribution is by far the dumbest Resident Evil movie. There’s shockingly little plot here: Alice is trapped in an Umbrella facility and needs to escape… that’s it. Meanwhile, a bunch of characters from the games (who are terribly brought to life on the big screen) are trying to break her out. Oh, and Milla Jovovich had just had kids, so now Alice is a mother, despite it never being an aspect of her character until now. How do they force this in? Well, she meets a kid who thinks she’s her mom, because Alice is stuck in a real-life simulation where Alice clones have been trying to survive a zombie apocalypse… life I said, it’s fucking dumb. We then get a bunch of admittedly decent action scenes, but there’s basically no substance to grab onto here. You can do better, trust me.

Oh, and that kid? Dead by the time the credits roll. Boy, being a mom sure was important to Alice!

81. Hitman (2007)

It’s bad when you’re watching a story that is so convoluted and nonsensical that you think “this must be a Skip Woods film”, and then check IMDb to confirm your suspicious are correct. I dunno if the guy just writes elaborate scripts which then get butchered on their way to screen, but he legitimately is one of the worst screenwriters in all of Hollywood.

80. Saw 3D (2010)

Saw 3D opens with a trap which has two guys strapped to a table saw. A woman, who is cheating on them both, is suspended above them. They are instructed by Jigsaw to take a life in order to free themselves. Oh, and this trap takes place in a public storefront, so they quickly draw a crowd of onlookers who just stand there and gawk rather than, y’know, trying to stop this attempted murder. It’s so bonkers that I legitimately thought that this was supposed to be a public theater satire of the Jigsaw killings, but no… it’s a real Jigsaw trap and they actually want us to take this whole thing seriously. It was at this point that I realized that Saw 3D was going to suck.

Saw 3D is a cartoonish embarrassment, easily the worst Saw film ever made. There are some pretty nasty traps here, but they’re undermined by significantly more traps which are just idiotic> The colour grading is awful due to being shot in 3D, which makes the copious amounts of blood look hot pink. It also features an infuriating finale, with perhaps the most unjustified death of the entire franchise. It’s absolutely no wonder the franchise took a seven year hiatus to try to wash the stink of this movie off.

79. Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Most of the Friday the 13th movies are consistently mediocre, rarely deviating from a pretty simple formula. However, around the time of Part VII, the producers started feeling like they needed to bring in some gimmicks, and Jason Takes Manhattan seemed like it could be the most exciting of these. The promise of having Jason head into the big city to carve up teens sounded like it could shake up the formula just enough to be a big, blockbuster event. Unfortunately, Jason Takes Manhattan is notorious for being one of the most disappointing films in the entire franchise. Pretty much everyone knows that the New York section of the film only last about twenty minutes and the rest of the film is spent on a cruise ship, where Jason somehow manages to go unnoticed as he kills tons of irritating kids who give us no reason to actually care about them. The film also introduces an idiotic “kid Jason” subplot which is one of the most embarrassing ideas in the entire franchise (which is saying something, considering some of the bullshit they added in the latter-day sequels).

78. Survival of the Dead (2009)

I’ll give George A. Romero credit for continuing to make films and try to push the zombie genre forward as he was approaching his seventieth year. Unfortunately, Survival of the Dead was an embarrassing note to end that career on. You can see glimmers of the social commentary which helped make his original Dead trilogy so good. The film takes place on an island where a bunch of ranchers are attempting to cure their undead relatives. Cowboy and Hatfield/McCoy shenanigans ensue from there. Unfortunately, the film is just fucking stupid, cheap, and poorly-shot, with dull characters. About the only thing that actually stood out to me was that the film answers the question “What happens if you bite a zombie?” That’s… pretty dire if it’s the only thing that really stands out about the film (the answer is “You become a zombie”, by the way).

77. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2016)

I fucking hate this movie. Paul W.S. Anderson pulls a bunch of shit from his ass to try to make sense of this franchise he’s cobbled together and try to give it some sort of satisfying send-off. As you’d probably expect, the results are really dumb and not satisfying in the least. What you may not expect is that the actions scenes kind of suck here as well, negating the one defense that people will try to use to justify liking these movies. Worst of all though is that a man died and a stuntwoman got maimed making this piece of shit movie, all because Paul W.S. Anderson and the other producers cheaped out on the production and put their crew at risk. Imagine dying or having to get your arm amputated, all for goddamn Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. Fuck this movie, it deserves to rot in hell.

76. Superman III (1983)

This movie is just so embarrassing. Superman becomes a secondary character in his own film, while Richard Pryor performs a bunch of cartoon antics that take up way too much screen time. The plot is incredibly dumb, full of the childish jokes that people complained about in the theatrical cut of Superman II since Richard Lester has taken over full directing duties this time around. It’s kind of a shame too, because the cast are generally great. There’s also a cool subplot where Superman is turned evil, but then Clark Kent splits from him and the two sides of Superman have to fight for control. It’s a genuinely good concept, which is entirely out of place in a film where a woman gets pushed into a computer and is instantly turned into an android…

75. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Michael Bay’s original Transformers film was actually pretty well-regarded when it released. It wasn’t until this movie, Revenge of the Fallen, that people really came to realize that these movies were not good. The action was incoherent, the narrative was dumb, and the film was incredibly lowbrow (to the point of having two racist caricature robots and a transformer with a set of testicles), and the film was overloaded with CGI.

74. Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)

Honestly though, I think Age of Extinction is even worse than its more notorious older sibling. This is the Transformers film with a character who carries a card on him to justify statutory rape. We’ve got Mark Wahlberg taking over as the leading man… which I guess is an upgrade? He’s incredibly dull, but at least he doesn’t annoy me like Shia LaBeouf’s Sam did. We also get a healthy dose of Stanley Tucci, which is a highlight, but even watching him doing cartoonish antics gets grating the longer it goes on. For the most part, Age of Extinction is every bit as loud and dumb as any other Transformers movie, but what puts it over the edge for me is my experience when I watched it in theaters. The movie had dragged on to what felt like a climactic action sequence and the story seemed to be wrapping up. I legitimately thought the movie was about to end, and if it did, then this wouldn’t have been my least-favourite Transformers movie. But no, then suddenly the film goes to China, and I check my watch: we’re only halfway through this movie, what the fuck!? Suffice to say, the back half of this movie was worse than the front, making this drawn out experience feel even more torturous.

73. The Wicker Man (2006)

The quintessential “Youtube highlight reel” movie, The Wicker Man isn’t really worth watching. The clips you see online are weird, but in-context they do make some sense. However, this movie is a pure, bad 2000s horror remake (glossy production, big budget, weak horror elements). It’s only differentiator is that Cage’s performance is absolutely bonkers, but you really should just stick with the highlight reels.

72. Death Note (2017)

I have the perhaps notorious opinion that the Death Note anime is kind of trash. In what world is a show, where 70% of its episodes are bad and then 30% are great, “one of the greatest anime of all-time”? So, believe me, I was not coming into this Death Note adaptation expecting it to suck. Hell, I was actually kind of excited, because I already liked Adam Wingard for You’re Next and Willem Dafoe as Ryuk was awesome. I love the premise of Death Note, so I was eager to see if a different interpretation could do better. Unfortunately, this Death Note movie squanders basically everything that actually was good about the manga and anime in favour of a by-the-numbers supernatural crime drama. Gone are all the philosophical musings about morality and justice which were the main reason the series was so compelling to begin with. Instead, it’s just generic cop plots and high school killer clichés.

71. The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)

In high school, my friends and I would do these really amateur rifftrax of movies we didn’t like. We got through most of the Twilight movies, but I feel like we gave them a fair shake (we all felt that Eclipse was not bad). I get that these movies are not for me, and I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum… but, my God, this movie was a torturous experience. It is so slow and dull, stretching a thin plot over more than two hours of runtime. The main characters make this feel even worse, because I didn’t give a shit about any of them (I will say that the background characters have much more interesting personalities though).

70. Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)

When I was ordering this list, Transformers: Age of Extinction became a bit of a barometer for me. I’d think of bad blockbusters and ask “Is this movie worse than Age of Extinction?” to help rank them. For Independence Day: Resurgence, that was a very quick and definitive “YES”, which should give you an idea of how bad it is. This long-belated sequel is even louder and dumber than the worst Transformers film. For a movie that was in development for twenty years, it’s almost shocking how half-baked Resurgence feels. There are lots of pointless subplots, the “escalated” threat feels no where near as potent as it did in the original, and the characters have basically no development and give us no reason to actually care about them. In fact, the only characters I felt anything for were the gay scientist couple, but that was mainly because of their charming performances rather than the script. If you want mindless action, then the movie will deliver that, but it’s not even particularly noteworthy in that regard. Just rewatch the original if you need some stupid fun, it did that far more competently.

69. The Purge (2013)

The Purge was the biggest disappointment I have had in theaters. The premise is incredible: crime becomes legal for twelve hours once a year! However, they clearly had no budget to work with, so they set the entire film inside a single house. The entire premise just gets used as an excuse for why their home is getting invaded, why their power has been cut, and why they can’t just leave. Making matters worse, most of the film revolves around the Sandin family somehow managing to get lost in their own goddamn house as they try to find a homeless veteran who snuck in to try to escape the purgers. I didn’t expect The Purge to be anywhere near amazing, but it failed to be even entertaining.

68. The Angry Birds Movie (2016)

If you are, like, the youngest of kids, then Angry Birds probably passes for you, but just barely… Unless you are amongst the most easily entertained of people, Angry Birds is just a collection of dull “comedy” scenes stitched together haphazardly, which are anchored by a bunch of irritating pastiche characters, all in an effort to try to turn this shitty mobile game into a proper multi-media franchise. Yeah… good luck with that, Rovio.

67. Don’t Breathe 2 (2021)

Don’t Breathe 2 is one of those sequels that is fundamentally flawed in its conception and therefore doomed to failure, no matter how it was handled. The Blind Man is a relentless monster and trying to humanize him for this sequel is an idiotic move. This would just be a boring, run-of-the-mill father revenge movie, but it’s a sequel to Don’t Breathe. There’s certain expectations that come with that, and this film does not meet them! There’s barely any tension to be had. Worse though, the film doesn’t even acknowledge that The Blind Man is a psycho rapist, we’re just supposed to accept his own justification that he “technically didn’t rape anyone”, forget about it, and accept that he’s changed. It’s so fundamentally stupid that it brings the rest of the film down around it.

66. Red Dawn (2012)

I will never forget how hard I laughed when I was watching Red Dawn, and then it suddenly turned into an ad for Subway. I’m not even joking, it was the most blatant product placement I had ever seen in my life. Josh Hutcherson even called the employee a sandwich artist and made sure they used his favourite warm and flaky bread!

I thought that the original Red Dawn was kind of crappy, so I wasn’t even going into this expecting it to not live up to the original. However, this film can’t even reach those modest heights. The film gets let down by its characters (who, if they aren’t just bland, are straight-up unlikeable), mediocre action sequences, and a script which is insulting to the audience’s intelligence at times. Also, the fact that North Korea are the ones conquering America is fucking hilarious (and then it’s frustrating when you realize this is because they shot the film to be about a Chinese invasion, but then edited it so that they could try to sell the film in China… like, have some integrity to something other than the almighty dollar).

65. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 (2011)

Look, as bad as New Moon was, it doesn’t hold a candle to Breaking Dawn – Part 1. The previous Twilight films barely had enough plot to fill one movie. The thought that you could get two movies out of Breaking Dawn is laughable, and the film suffers due to Lionsgate’s desire to double-dip their audience. The film is every bit as boring as New Moon and is just as long as the other movies, but there’s less plot to work with than ever before, making this an even more torturous viewing.

64. Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021)

I have so much I want to complain about with this movie, but I’ll keep it relatively brief. An adaptation that’s more faithful to the source material makes sense for Resident Evil, but there are so many bone-headed decisions made here and half-baked ideas. The film is loaded with Easter eggs and callbacks to the games, but these end up serving no purpose to the actual narrative, which makes them feel cheap and insulting to the audience’s intelligence. This movie’s girl-boss version of Claire is somehow less interesting than than her “she’s just a normal tomboy” persona from the games. Leon being portrayed as a washed-up failure of a cop is an interesting idea, but he is given absolutely nothing to do in the entire movie, so it just feels like someone had a personal vendetta against his character. The idea of having Raccoon City as a ghost town feels like it was done to make filming during COVID restrictions easier, but it ruins the entire premise of a mass outbreak that makes the games’ version of these events so compelling. Resident Evil games don’t exactly have great stories, but the first and second games have very different tones and plot structures. You don’t have to be a fucking genius to realize that, if you mash the plots of the first two games together, it doesn’t make any sense and ends up creating a narrative that is so much worse than either by itself. Oh, and don’t even get me started on what are the stealthiest zombies I’ve ever seen in a movie, dear God. The one positive I can say is that the cast are all really good, I just wish they had been given some proper material to work with. As is, Welcome to Raccoon City is as bad as the worst Paul W.S. Anderson Resident Evil movies, which is something I never expected to have to say.

63. Taken 3 (2014)

Look, we were already burnt out on the Liam Neeson action movie after Taken 2, but Taken 3 still felt like one of Bryan Mills’ signature nut punches. The film has two major issues which leave it hamstrung. First of all, the action just plain sucks, due in large part to the haphazard, rapid-fire editing (not to mention that there is a distinct lack of actual action this time around during basically the entire second act). Secondly, the writing is abysmal. Idiotic plot conveniences abound. I literally slapped myself in the face at least five times during the movie in frustration at how stupid everyone was for the sake of the plot. Not to go on a tangent, but I noticed the freaking bagels the second he found Lenore dead: he had an ironclad alibi and could have been released in a couple hours if the police just checked a fucking security camera. Instead, Bryan Mills decides to get into gun fights and car chases with the police every five minutes, presumably because he’s an idiot. Beyond even that though, I’m kind of insulted that they fridged Lenore to begin with. For one thing, it is such an overused and sexist trope that it demonstrates just how lazy the writers are. For another, it retroactively makes Taken 2 even worse by making its third act pointless, since we now know she’s going to die anyway.

62. R.I.P.D. (2013)

R.I.P.D. is what happens when a movie exec decides to cater to all the things that people like. It combines Men in Black, Ghostbusters, Jeff Bridges’ Rooster Cogburn, and Ryan Reynolds (before people were getting annoyed with him). However, the resulting movie ends up feeling way too juvenile for its own good.

The film has some funny moments, but more often than not you’re left groaning at the bafflingly stupid, juvenile jokes which were thrown in for no good reason. Like… there’s a scene where they’re chasing the bad guys, and these bad guys are just farting constantly as they run away… it’s so funny that I forgot to laugh. The plot was very formulaic as well, which could have been fine if the rest of the film was enjoyable, but seeing that it wasn’t, it just ends up making the whole thing feel worse.

61. Catwoman (2004)

Catwoman is one of those films where I cannot believe that they actually released this in theaters. It is such a baffling movie, with unhinged performances from Sharon Stone and Halle Berry. I’d love to say that this movie is a misunderstood masterpiece, as it does have a great look for Berry and some style, it’s just so, so dumb. We got a lot of really bad comic book movies in the 2000s, and Catwoman is undoubtedly the worst of them.

60. Terminator Genisys (2015)

The only nice thing I can say about Terminator Genisys is that it retroactively made people fonder of Salvation. The entire premise of having John Connor turn evil feels downright blasphemous to the series’ legacy. Emilia Clarke and Jai Courtney are about the two worst actors you could have picked to lead a major film like this, which is even worse when you compare them to Linda Hamilton and Michael Biehn. The film is also basically a “greatest hits”, remixing scenes from significantly better Terminator movies to lesser effect. Predictably, this makes the film feel like it has no identity of its own, other than being really fucking dumb.

59. Alien: Resurrection (1997)

God I hate this movie. I get that they wanted to go for a different tone, but… guys, it sucks so bad. The Whedon-isms are grating and clash with the off-beat style of Jean-Pierre Jeunet. The aliens also stop being the real threat about two thirds of the way through, leaving us with an abomination of a replacement. Oh, and Ripley fucking suuuuucks in this film.

58. Jurassic World: Dominion (2022)

I HATED Fallen Kingdom, so when I find myself thinking back on it with some fondness after watching Dominion, you know that Trevorrow has screwed up big-time. There are so many things I could complain about in this movie, but here’s just a handful of them:

  • The legacy characters are blatantly shoehorned into this movie. You could cut them out of the film entirely with basically no effect to the main plot.
  • The movie has stripped out the horror elements of the series entirely. It’s now just straight-up action, which is far less interesting.
  • The bad guys are all a bunch of unthreatening weenies. I don’t even mean just the human characters either: Giganotosaurus, which is only in this movie to give the T-rex something to fight, has absolutely no bearing on the greater plot and can barely muster a threat to our characters (compare that to the Spinosaur in Jurassic Park III to really understand how dire this film is at everything).
  • The film is incredibly bloated. At one point it felt like it was going to end and then I realized there were (somehow) still fourty-five more minutes left.
  • The film commits to some incredibly stupid retcons. These retcons obviously were put in place to try to respond to criticism of Fallen Kingdom, but in their cowardice, they just made it worse.
  • The stupidest thing about this movie though is that it ends with the message “hey, genetic manipulation is cool actually and will solve all our problems with it!” How much further from Jurassic Park could you get than that?

Dominion is just further evidence that Jurassic Park should never have had sequels, or at the very least, the franchise should have not been brought back from extinction after Crichton’s death. I’m probably going to do another round of Retrospective catch-ups eventually, so expect more expanded thoughts on this movie in the future.

57. Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist (2023)

GOD, this movie is just fucking exhausting. It’s like spending all your time on Twitter reading what the grifters and outrage merchants are saying; it makes you want to scratch your face off in frustration. That said, complain all you want about the in-your-face politics: the real, crippling issue it faces is that it is criminally dull. For reference, the original Left Behind adapted all the material in this movie into a fairly brisk hour. This movie stretches that out to two hours and it absolutely drags as a result. Add in some very lethargic performances (especially from ol’ Sorbo himself) and the aforementioned ham-fisted politics, and this is a film that struggles to maintain interest.

56. Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)

Oh good, finally we get a movie that is just really badly made rather than one that actively pisses me off just thinking about it. Put simply, The Legend of Chun-Li is crap on basically every level. It’s pretty embarrassing when you make a Street Fighter film which gets completely outclassed in all regards by the notorious Jean Claude van Damme film, but they somehow managed that here. The Legend of Chun-Li is not even all that entertaining either, with some very limp fight scenes. It also features a couple shockingly violent (for PG-13) scenes which are jarring against the overall light tone, further making you wonder what the hell anyone was thinking while making this movie.

55. The Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)

I legitimately really enjoyed the original Escape Plan movie, it was a good 80s throwback film with a fun cast and premise. I didn’t expect much from a sequel, but if it could capture even a fraction of the previous film’s quality, it would still be decent. Unbelievably, Escape Plan 2: Hades is so ineptly put together that I can’t believe that Stallone and Dave Bautista signed on to be in it. There might have been a decent movie in here somewhere, but it’s totally wasted on a poorly shot and horrendous, incoherently edited film.

54. Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Meyers (1989)

Halloween 5 is a pretty terrible film, even by slasher sequel standards. The film was shot without a completed script, and it totally shows, because there is no way that someone could sit down and intentionally write out the events of this film before it was filmed. The film throws in a bunch of dumb mythology about ill-defined bloodlines and curses, and Tina is one of the dumbest final girls in slasher history, making for a movie where you can feel your brain cells dying as you watch it.

53. Halloween Kills (2021)

My God, Halloween truly is the worst major horror franchise, because so many of its entries fucking suck. Halloween Kills is the most recent of these abominations (I… mostly liked Halloween Ends?). In a lot of ways, it’s a high-production value version of an 80s slasher sequel: a terrible plot and characters, but lots of brutal, gory kills. However, this feels so much worse for two reasons: 1) Halloween (2018) was so good and Kills comes nowhere close to it, and 2) The movie drags like mad. It feels positively aimless, wasting lengthy scenes on mostly-dull characters and half-baked plots with unearned resolutions. The ending also just straight-up pisses me off. About the only thing this movie does right is making Michael Meyers a terrifying, unstoppable monster, so I can understand why some hardcore Halloween fans would enjoy this. For my part, I was bored from start to finish of this wheel-spinning, poorly-edited, frustrating mess.

52. Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)

I have to give Jason Goes to Hell some credit for at least attempting to do something completely different with the Friday the 13th formula, but they absolutely failed and the results are baffling to witness. Suddenly adding a bunch of mystical lore nine movies in to try to explain some of the weirder aspects of the previous films was a fool’s errand, and having Jason be this body-hopping spirit is way less interesting than if he’s just an unstoppable, undead killing machine. This fundamental issue makes the film borderline unwatchable, even if it does have some fun characters and really gnarly kills that get lost in the shuffle. Oh, and do I need to mention that the movie ends with Jason climbing up a dead woman’s vagina so that he can be reborn from her corpse? Yeah… this is quite the film.

51. Howling III (1987)

Howling III is one of the most unhinged movies I’ve ever seen. I’ll give them some credit, they were swinging for the fences with this movie: it is brimming with ambition and a sincerity; you can tell that this was a passion project for Philippe Mora. Unfortunately, this film is absolutely deranged, featuring terrible werewolf designs, awful special effects (the scenes with the werewolf baby puppet make me want to pour bleach in my eyes), some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen, and a certifiably insane script with too many superfluous characters. This is a film which packs a whole five or six acts into an hour and a half runtime (for reference, your average movie tells its story over three acts in the same timeframe), meaning that it has no time to actually linger on any ideas, but also just wastes a bunch of time on pointless bullshit. Criminally, it’s not even all that entertaining either.

And that’s it for part one. If you’re reading this the day it comes out, then part two will be out tomorrow!

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